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Trumps idiot impeachment lawyer unsuccessfully tries to drink water and rub his head at the same time.
Trump's idiot impeachment lawyer unsuccessfully tries to drink water and rub his head at the same time. Handout / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I may run and hide when you're screamin' my name, alright. But let me tell you now there are prices to fame, alright. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Finally, some positive COVID news! Starting this Friday, the Portland metro area—meaning Multnomah, Clackamas, and Washington counties—will move from Oregon's "extreme risk" category for COVID-19 restrictions, into the slightly less worrisome "high risk" category, thanks to a recent decrease in coronavirus infections. What does this mean for you and local businesses? Our Blair Stenvick has an easy, breezy explainer!

• Also coming this week, various pharmacies around Oregon—including those at Costco, Safeway, and Albertsons—will begin receiving COVID vaccines... but as for when they'll be getting into people's arms? Well, that's another story.

• Another huge reason to CANCEL RENT: While Oregonians could end up owing a staggering $378 million in back rent during the pandemic, Portland State researchers estimate that when all is told, the hidden costs of coming mass evictions could be as high as... wow... $3.3 billion. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

• Clackamas County Chair Tootie Smith—yup, the same Trump-supporting "Tootie" who bragged about throwing crowded, unsafe holiday parties—is now trying to limit the public's very loud calls to force hate-spewing Mark Shull to resign from the council. Right on brand, I'd say!

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Yesterday marked day one of Trump's SECOND impeachment trial, which made the corrupt former president LOSE HIS GODDAMN MIND (according to reports). This was due to a very strong presentation from Democrats which was followed by his lawyers... who were a hilarious DISASTER. After a rambling, incoherent opening statement they weakly blamed the Democrats for the insurrection, and claimed the impeachment trial will likely cause a civil war. Trump and allies alike were reportedly fuming over the legal team's weak-ass performance and are already talking about replacing them HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.

• Today the Democratic prosecution will be focusing on showing how Trump alone incited the riot, and will reportedly be using (OOOOH!) previously unseen footage of the insurrection.

• According to reports, Senate Minority Turtle Mitch McConnell is still weighing whether or not he will vote to convict Trump, which, as we all know, is fucking bullshit since he is a soulless hypocrite who only pretends to not be a soulless hypocrite.

• More bad news for Trump (which I can't seem to get enough of): Prosecutors in Georgia are opening an investigation into the calls in which the former corrupt president tried to get Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger to "find" enough votes to reverse the results of the election.

• The CDC is offering some tips on how to improve the fit of your face mask—two very simple things that can offer more than 95 percent protection against infectious aerosols, according to tests.

• Well this is troubling: According to a new national poll, roughly one-in-three Americans say they will either probably not or definitely not get the COVID vaccine even if it's offered to them, which is kinda sorta gonna make herd immunity very hard to attain, you thoughtless guys!!

• Thousands are taking to the streets in Myanmar to protest the country's military coup after one protester was shot and water cannons were used on the crowds.

• Science is COOL, kids! China has joined the United Arab Emirates in putting a spacecraft into the orbit of Mars, and later this year will attempt to put a lander and rover on the planet to explore its surface.

• DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE? Then submit your FREE Mercury Reader Valentine which will be published online for all the world to see! Valentines will remain on the site until Feb 17... but you can enter yours now!

• Let the bells ring and the confetti fall! The HUMP! 2021 Film Festival is NOW STREAMING ONLINE, featuring an array of hot 'n' horny amateur dirty flicks submitted by hot people like YOU. Get your tickets pronto!

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• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Expect a cloudy day with a high around 45—but get ready for some freezing weather come Thursday... and possible snow Friday?

• And finally, okay... she's right. This song sounds super familiar.