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Biden calls Putin a killer, and says he will pay a price for interfering with Americas election.
Biden calls Putin a "killer," and says he will "pay a price" for interfering with America's election. Omir Messinger / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I still go to Taco Bell, drive-thru, raw as hell. I don't care, I'm still real, no matter how many records I sell. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Brian Hunzeker, the president of Portland Police Association which is the union representing Portland's rank-and-file police, has abruptly resigned after making a serious, and unspecified "mistake" that involved the false hit-and-run allegation made against Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty. Someone in the police bureau allegedly leaked the untrue report to a right-wing Facebook group who spread the rumor like wildfire. Was this the "mistake" Hunzeker made? Hardesty, the mayor, and a LOT of other people want to know, and our Alex Zielinski has more.

• Some great pro-choice news: Two months after the long-running Lovejoy Surgicenter closed, a new, independent abortion provider, The Lilith Clinic, is rising up to take its place this coming Friday! Our Blair Stenvick has a lot more detail on this important public health service.

• On March 29, people between the ages of 45 to 64 with underlying conditions—estimated to be around a half million Oregonians—will become eligible for the coronavirus vaccine. The hard question is: Will our current sign-up system be able to handle the crush?

• A fire at an ethanol factory in Cornelius, Oregon yesterday caused fears of an explosion, prompting the nearby residents to evacuate, though firefighters were able to get the blaze under control.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• A white Atlanta man has been arrested in the brutal murders of eight spa employees, six of whom were of Asian descent. This follows a year-long rash of anti-Asian violence—stoked for months by former President Trump and disproportionately directed at women—sending police departments across the nation scurrying to protect Asian communities.

• Senate Minority Turtle Mitch McConnell is threatening a "scorched earth" response if Dems decide to do away with the filibuster, which if it remains could hamper the Democrats ability to get anything done. Sounds like they're gonna scorch the earth in any case, so... scorch away, a-holes!

• Due to Biden's temporary immigration rule that will turn away immigrants seeking asylum due to COVID concerns, many migrant parents are sending their children across the border alone, knowing they are the exception to the rule. Meanwhile the new sudden influx is causing a huge problem for the administration who is struggling to find care and proper shelter for the arriving kids.

• According to a new intelligence report, Vladmir Putin definitely tried to help Trump in his 2020 presidential campaign (NO SURPRISE), Iran tried to hurt Trump's chances (DIDN'T KNOW THAT!), and despite the insistence of many Trump lackeys, China apparently stayed out of the 2020 election entirely (SURPRISED THEY DID, NOT SURPRISED TRUMP'S MINIONS LIED ABOUT IT). Today the Biden administration announced that Putin will "pay a price" for his country's interference.

• Florida mom and daughter arrested for hacking the homecoming vote: Laura Rose Carroll's 17-year-old daughter was voted homecoming queen by her Pensacola, Florida high school last fall. Except, the district reported something strange: unauthorized access into hundreds of student accounts. Authorities found that over 100 homecoming votes had come from one IP address. Carroll, who is an assistant principal for an elementary school in the same district, allegedly cast fraudulent votes for her daughter. She and her daughter were arrested on a slew of charges and the daughter was expelled.

• Looking for the perfect birthday gift for a special someone? You can buy an "original" nail from the crucifixion of Jesus Christ for $17,600 on Etsy. Talk about a bargain!

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• HELLO, STONERS! You will be pleased to know that SPLIFF—the short flick film festival about cannabis and all things "stoned"—is kicking off April 16-24 and you can get your tickets NOW. (So hurry up before you forget... because you know you will.)

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Another mostly sunny day with a balmy high of 59!

• And finally, today in toilet water sleepovers....