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The CDC gives the okay to travel, IF-IF-IF you are fully vaccinated. (Thats TWO shots, cheaters!)
The CDC gives the okay to travel, IF-IF-IF you are fully vaccinated. (That's TWO shots, cheaters!) Joe Raedle / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! You walk in clouds of glitter, and the sun reflects your eyes. And every time the wind blows, I can smell you in the sky. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• COVID-19 cases are once again on the rise in Oregon, with the Oregon Health Authority (OHA) reporting 521 new positive cases in the state and two additional deaths. This is the most new cases since February, soooooooo... WASH YA DAMN HANDS, WEAR YA DAMN MASKS, AND KEEP YA DAMN DISTANCE!

• The head of the OHA, Patrick Allen, is advising Gov. Kate Brown to pitch a fit to the federal government, who are apparently short-changing Oregon on vaccines, as compared to certain other states.

• The newest members of Portland's City Council have slammed the brakes on Mayor Ted Wheeler's attempts to revive the PPB's very dicey Gun Violence Reduction Team (which was disbanded following the city's promise to improve racial equity), and have come up with their own plan which is more community based. Stand by for a full report with lots of reactions from our Alex Zielinski!

• A new bill has been proposed in the Oregon legislature that would decriminalize sex work. In this special guest opinion piece, Matilda Bickers and Melissa Hope Ditmore explain why this bill can go a long way to save lives and stop violence against sex workers.

• Our editor Wm. Steven Humphrey (hey, that's me!) is on the cusp of getting the vaccine. And his plans of what to do afterward are... ummm... not wise? (Hey "me," stop shit-talking me! This is a pretty good article!)

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• In the Derek Chauvin murder trial, one of the police supervisory sergeants on duty that night testified yesterday that Chauvin should have taken his knee off the neck of George Floyd when he stopped resisting, instead of... you know... allowing him to slowly suffocate to death.

• The CDC has issued their long-awaited travel guidance, saying that people who are fully vaccinated can now travel as long as they continue to wear their masks.

• What's this? It appears that Busy Bee Biden is taking a longer, closer look at his ability to cancel student loan debt via executive order, so FINGERS CROSSED. Also, if Republicans continue to insist upon being unhelpful, America-hating pricks, Biden will probably try to pass his $2 trillion infrastructure package without them.

• Everybody hates Rep. Matt Gaetz: Currently under federal investigation for human sex trafficking charges, Gaetz continues to find himself in deep shit. CNN is reporting that he showed pictures of nude women he supposedly slept with to other lawmakers while on the House floor. Meanwhile the NYT reports of multiple exchanges with women in which Gaetz and his slimy Florida cohort, Joel Greenberg, offered money and drugs to women in exchange for sex. Gee... hope Gaetz' fiancee doesn't find out!

• Corporations doing business in Georgia (such as Delta and Coca-Cola) are finally pushing back on Republicans in the state who are doing everything they can to stop people—particularly people of color—from voting. But are they pushing hard enough?

• Not that Republicans care what their constituents think, but according to a new AP-NORC poll, a majority of Americans want voter registration to be EASIER, not infinitely HARDER.

• Thanks to the surge in vaccinations across the nation, businesses are feeling more confident and added 916,000 new jobs in March.

• Live comedy is BACK, and the Rose City Rollers and the Mercury are presenting a live OUTDOOR comedy event with an awesome lineup of hilarious local and nationally recognized comedians! It's coming at ya April 22, 23, and 24, so get your tickets pronto!

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• HELLO, STONERS! You will be pleased to know that SPLIFF—the short flick film festival about cannabis and all things "stoned"—is kicking off April 16-24 and you can get your tickets NOW. (So hurry up before you forget... because you know you will.)

• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: A foggy morning will turn into a partly sunny day with a high of 62!

• And finally, the Isley Brothers are America's greatest band. (FIGHT ME!!) And apparently, I'm not the only person who thinks so.