Guys... GUYS! Were not going to have to, like, PAY for this or anything, right?
"Guys... GUYS! We're not going to have to, like, PAY for this or anything, right?" Brent Stirton/Getty Images

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IN LOCAL NEWS:

• As the city and its police union enter into their fifth month of contract negotiations, the two groups are finally delving into what should count as discipline for Portland Police Bureau (PPB) cops who commit misconduct. To the surprise of no one, cops are insisting on being treated better than 98 percent of the workforce in America... but they are sensitive (and consistently violent) snowflakes, after all. Check out this great explainer of the process by our Alex Zielinski!

• For a deeply reported look at the Klamath County farmers who are threatening to forcibly redirect water intended for endangered fish for their own use, check out this fascinating article which centers the native tribes who will be hurt by these "Ammon Bundy-style" antics.

• Speaking of right wing antics, according to a new report, state GOP Rep. Mike Nearman “more likely than not intentionally assisted [armed, Trumpy] demonstrators" by letting them into the Oregon state capitol during a December 21 special session, placing his workmates in potential physical danger. Stand by to see what type of punishment (if any) he'll receive.

• Our Blair Stenvick has a very interesting peek at the Vanport Mosaic Festival (kicking off this weekend) that includes a chat with the director of Martha Bakes, a play about a woman who was enslaved by—and escaped—Martha Washington. (Yes, that Martha Washington.)

• Wait... Cheetos inside a sushi burrito? OH HELL YEAH! Find out where to devour yours in the latest edition of Suzette Smith's "Takeout Club!"

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Due to an alarming shortage of COVID-19 vaccines abroad and an ample supply here, Busy Bee Biden is quickly shipping 25 million doses to those in Africa, Asia, and Central and South America—and that's just to start, as he's promising to send a total of 80 million shots worldwide by the end of June.

• The Department of Justice is investigating Trump's Postmaster General Louis DeJoy (who still has his job for some reason) about possible campaign finance shenanigans when he was CEO of North Carolina-based New Breed Logistics. DeJoy's former employees allege he pressured them to pay to attend political fundraisers or donate to Republican candidates, and they would be paid back with bonuses. Illegal if true!

• Today in WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL:

• WATCH OUT, RACISTS! Following his promise to go after civil rights violations, new Attorney General Merrick Garland is cracking down on hate and bias crimes and investigating racist policing practices around the country.

• Turns out that Trumpy domestic terrorists caused a whopping $1.5 million (so far!) in damage when they attacked the US capitol on January 6, and prosecutors say these convicted butter-dicks should foot the bill.

• On brand: "Trump's July Fourth fireworks show caused more than $42,000 in damage, records show."

• Famed (and controversial) lawyer F. Lee Bailey, who defended O.J. Simpson, Patty Hearst and the alleged Boston Strangler, has died at the age of 87.

• You're SMART, right? Well the Mercury needs your SMART opinions to help us improve our coverage. So offer your SMART opinions in our MERCURY READER SURVEY right now, please! (You can win prizes and stuff!)

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• And now... THE WEATHER REPORT: Cooler still and partly cloudy tomorrow with a much more reasonable high of 77!

• And finally, dare to dream....