Hello! I am a heterosexual man! My wife came out as a lesbian after thirty years of marriage. We have children together and we love each other. Therefore, weâve decided not to divorce. We visited some therapists, and they all coerced us to divorce even though we really do not want that. We believe that an open relationship would satisfy both of us. Iâve always wanted a threesome anyway! We read some books about opening up a relationship and we feel like we could make an open marriage work. And we know there are others out there, so we know itâs possible! Divorce is not in our plan.
My questions areâŠ
1. Is it normal for therapists to force a couple to divorce when the couple does not want that?
2. Can open relationships be...
Shrinks Hereabouts Revel In Not Knowing Shit
Hello! I am a gay man! My answers areâŠ
1. Calm down. Only your wife can force you to get a divorce, SHRINKS, and youâre still married. Which means you havenât been coerced into doing anything. And while I wouldnât describe what you encountered as normal, SHRINKS, there are a lot of therapists and counselors out there who regard preserving and protecting monogamyâits practice by individual couples, its position as a sacrosanct normâas their chief responsibility.
Now, I donât know whereabouts you live, SHRINKS, but a married couple that sees more than one therapist or counselor in a big city like mine is gonna encounter at least one open to helping married couples negotiate the transition to non-monogamy. But thereâs a really simple way for couples like you to make sure youâre not wasting your time on anti-open and/or sex-negative counselors, SHRINK, and thatâs to ask the therapist or counselor what their positions are on open relationships before making your first appointment.
Zooming way out for a second: Itâs flabbergasting that so many couples counselors think a marriage that isnât monogamousâor one that has to become non-monogamous for both parties to remain happy in itâisnât worth saving. The bias against non-monogamous relationships is so insidious that counselors will urge couples to divorce instead of exploring non-monogamy, even though their job is to help couples that wanna stay together figure out how they can do that. Never mind suggesting non-monogamy to a couple that is clearly being failed byânot failing atâmonogamy.
Okay, now letâs talk about those threesomesâŠ
Your wife came out as a lesbian, SHRINKS, she didnât come out as bisexual, so it doesnât follow that youâre in line to have a bunch of threesomes. Even if your wife had come out as bisexual, SHRINKS, that doesnât mean you hit the pussy lottery and youâre going to be having a lot of threesomes now. Or any threesomes. Maybe you and the wife discussed this, and she wants to have sex with you despite being a lesbianâmaybe sheâs willing and/or able to grandfather in your dick (grandmother in your dick?) and is looking forward to having threesomes with you and a girlfriend to be named laterâbut if you havenât heard that from your wifeâs mouth, SHRINKS, you might wanna tamp down those expectations. And if you havenât heard that from your wife and youâve been excitedly telling every couples counselor you see about all the threesomes youâre looking forward to having now that your wife is a dyke, SHRINKS, itâs possible that all those couples counselors urged you to get divorced because your wife was sitting next to you on the couch blinking out distress signals.
2. Open relationships can be awesome! They can also suck! If youâre happy and the wifeâs happy and her future girlfriends and/or your thirds are happy, then thatâs awesome. But if you and/or the wife are unhappy after opening the marriage up, SHRINKS, then youâll have to close it again, or else youâll end up having to take the advice of all those shrinks and end it.
I'm a 36-year-old woman from the UK who currently resides in the Middle East. Iâve been seeing a man my same age who is also from Western Europe. The relationship is rather new and we are still getting to know each other, but we have grown very close. However, he has only managed to come inside me once. He is a fit and healthy man who exercises regularly and does not have any underlying health conditions. So why does he lose his erection every other time and have to finish himself off when he doesnât? He said he doesn't know why this keeps happening, but he thinks it might be because he is âtoo in his own headâ to come when heâs inside me and often loses his erection because of it. I brought up the fact that we reside in the Middle East because, as an unmarried couple, it is impossible for us to seek professional help here. I have tried reassuring him and prolonging foreplay, and we have an open dialogue over what we like sexually, all to no avail. Should I give it more time? Are there any toys we could use that would help? Should I advise him to seek professional help when he travels home for his holiday? I feel helpless when he gets more frustrated with every unsuccessful attempt.
Having A Realistic Discussion On Needs
This is going to sound weird, HARDON, but you need to watch some gay porn with your boyfriend. (If you can safely view it where you happen to be living right now.) In gay porn youâll also see a lot of tops âfinishing themselves off.â The top fucks the bottom for a whileâsometimes for a long whileâand then the top pulls out and strokes himself until he comes. Sometimes youâll see tops pull out, give their dicks a few pumps, and shove back in. Right now your boyfriend has it in his head that heâs disappointing you when does what most guys in gay porn seem to enjoy doingâstroking themselves a little during sex, sometimes finishing themselves off at the endâand heâs got that in his head because you put it there, HARDON, or it was already in there and youâve been reinforcing it. Hereâs how you can help: stop pathologizing the way his dick works. Tell him itâs fine: tell him the sex is still a success if he wants to stroke himself now and then during sex; tell him the sex is still a success if he wants to âfinish himself offâ at the end like all the gay porn stars and many women do; and tell him itâs fine if he wants to bail on vaginal intercourse for whatever reasonâincluding going softâand eat your pussy instead. Take the pressure off his dick, and his dick is likelier to come through.
After a decade of celibacy, I started a strictly sexual tryst with a much younger man. He is lovely. We both agreed on terms: no strings. This is the first time Iâve ever had sex with a relative stranger for such an extended period. It has been two months. This is also the first time Iâve been honest about what I wanted sexually. So, itâs a good thing. There is no possessive neediness, I have more freedom, etc. But because I have more time on my hands and a proclivity for fantasizing, I have started to resent the fact that we always follow his schedule. Itâs understandable, as he works hard and shares custody with an ex, and is younger than I am. Intellectually, I know and accept that. I just need help reconciling myself to these limitations. I like the sex a lot. Itâs what I want.
Somehow This Resentment Is Not Good
I think you need to ask yourself why youâre sabotaging a good thing here. There are limitations youâve placed on this relationship (no strings, the sex you want) for what I assume are emotional reasons, STRING, and there are limitations heâs placed on this relationship (not when heâs parenting, not what heâs working) for purely logistical reasons. If your decade of celibacy and your aversion to possessive neediness were reactions to negative experiences you had with past sexual partnersâwith men who were controlling or abusiveâthen you might be reacting to the limitations your fuck buddy needs to set as if he were attempting to control you, like past sex partners may have. In reality, of course, itâs not him whoâs controlling you here, but rather circumstances beyond his control. When you feel resentful of him, STRING, go look in a mirror and say, âMy reaction, while understandable and potentially helpful given my history, isnât entirely rational in this instance, it isnât fair to him, and Iâm not going to let it cheat me out of sex I enjoy with someone I like.â Repeat as necessary.
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