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Good news: the Portland Street Response program has expanded citywide.
Good news: the Portland Street Response program has expanded citywide. City of Portland

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Full disclosure: I have no intention of talking about last night's "slap," but if you'd like to hear a shit-ton of tone-deaf hot takes on the subject, may I direct you to Twitter.com? (Actually, I'd advise against it... you'll just end up unfollowing some of your former favorite comedians.) Instead, let's get up in some REAL NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Let's start off with some (rare) good news: While certain members of City Council (you can probably guess who) dragged their feet for a better part of a year, the Portland Street Response program has now officially spread citywide, and are ready to pick up a good amount of mental health calls that were previously fielded by the cops—occasionally with tragic results. Our Alex Zielinski has all the details.

• An Indiana man who traveled to Portland to participate in the 2020 summer protests is expected to plead guilty to charges of throwing molotov cocktails at the police. He faces multiple felony charges including attempted murder, rioting, and unlawful manufacture of a destructive device.

• An allegedly drunk driver has been arrested for crashing his vehicle into a Salem homeless camp on Sunday morning, killing four people and injuring three others including the driver.

• Get ready for some laughing, because It's the latest edition of Elinor Jones' new gossip column, THE TRASH REPORT. This week: Garbage King Ted Cruz, Portland homes for under half a mill, and a *chef's kiss* Craigslist missed connection!

IN NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

• President Biden has clarified (but is not walking back) his earlier remarks that Putin "should be removed from office," saying it's not US policy, but his personal feelings. (SAME!) Meanwhile, Ukraine is reportedly making battle progress in the northeast portion of the country, while Russia continues pounding the city of Mariupol.

• A federal judge has ruled in a civil case that it's highly likely that Trump and his lawyer are guilty of felonies in their attempts to overturn the 2020 election, saying “the illegality of the plan was obvious.” (Again, SAME!)

• Related: The January 6 commission will be inviting Judge Clarence Thomas' wife Ginni Thomas to appear before their panel and explain why she sent all those texts to Trump's chief of staff begging him to help the former prez overthrow Democracy.

• Staying true to brand, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed the homophobic "Don't Say Gay" bill into law today, that forbids teaching anything about sexual orientation and gender identity to kids from kindergarten into the third grade. (Pssst... the schools weren't teaching that anyway, but the GOP's corrupt point was always about fundraising, rather than some warped sense of morality.)

• In case anyone cares about anything other than slaps, here is the full list of all of last night's Oscar winners.

• AHOY THERE, STONERS! The SPLIFF Film Festival—featuring short, hilarious, trippy, and thoughtful mini-movies about cannabis and made by stoners just like YOU—is coming to Revolution Hall for one night only on Saturday, April 16! GET THOSE TICKETS NOW!

• And finally, I don't know if this kid is reading this, but... SAME!

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