We're just over halfway though Portland's favorite week of the year, BURGER WEEK. And already some of you candy-asses are vocalizing complaints such as this:

Ummm... that's because you're not eating the hamburgers FAST ENOUGH. Yes, one may feel like their blood is turning into sludge that one might see dripping off the back of a tannery truck. But if you had already eaten all 35 burgers of Burger Week, then you'd already be FINISHED, and could go back to your regular diet of kale shakes and acai bowls. That's whyβ€”in these last three days of Burger Weekβ€”I'm asking you not to slow down, but to SPEED THE FUCK UP.

Need help? That's why I'm always here. Check out this video from competitive speed eating champion, Furious Pete, who holds NINE Guinness World Records for shoving food into his face. Listen to his wise words as he teaches you how to eat your Burger Week burgers (or any burgers for that matter) in the fastest and most furious way possible. (Also stick around for the awkward ending of this video, which is... well, awkward. But hilarious!)

Armed with this knowledge, you can stop complaining, shove the rest of those goddamn burgers in your mouth, and EAT YOUR WAY TO VICTORY RAH RAH YAAAAAAAAAAAH! BURGER WEEK!