WHEN MEASURE 91 passed, I heard more than one prohibitionist sneer at the idea and ask, “What’s next, legalizing all the other drugs?” And certainly there is a small, albeit growing, movement to decriminalize all drugs, and to treat the use of them more as a public health issue than a criminal one. But this being ’Murica, how would that work? What would it look like? Sweet Jesus, I’m glad you asked, because that’s what this week’s column is about. Welcome to...

Cocabuzz: The Week in Cocaine! Yeah!

Hey everyone! Hard to believe that it’s been a year since Measure 92 passed, legalizing the sale, production, and use of cocaine here in Oregon! That measure was the greatest thing this state has ever done, like, ever! Right? Fuck yeah, it was! Man, I’m feeling really, really, REALLY good about it, and I hope you are too, because you’re awesome! This state is awesome! So chop up a line and let’s make this the best column EVER!

Let’s recap how it’s gone so far, which is pretty stellar!

We all look great! Oregon no longer has an obesity problem, thanks to staying up all night and totally not even ever needing food. We’re getting a ton more stuff done, and everyone looks great while doing it. I wore these pants in high school, you guys!

Except for the heart attacks! Okay, yes, that has been a downside. But those people weren’t abiding by the guidelines distributed by the OLCC (Oregon Loves Cocaine Commission) in their guide, Give a Hoot Before You Toot. Slow your roll, Pablo Escobar! Those dollar-a-gram specials are meant to be savored!

And the psychotic breakdowns! Again, not the greatest side effect, no. I’m sure most of us will never be able to unsee the horror of what happened to those poor, poor people on the Hawthorne Bridge that day, god rest their souls. Thoughts and prayers, and a quick bump for the dead. Well, maybe a bigger bump than that. There were a lot of dead.

And the surge in erectile dysfunction! Many of us believed “coke dick” was just a myth. Apparently it’s real—sadly, very real, trust me—which would account for a whopping 14,800 percent increase in sales of Cialis and penis pumps. At least unplanned pregnancies are down, right? Which is good, as divorce rates are skyrocketing. Bumps before lady humps, amirite?

And the explosive diarrhea! Is this anyone’s favorite side effect of Bolivian marching powder? No. No, it is not. After the crippling depression brought on by serotonin depletion, it’s probably my least favorite. But you know what they say is good for depression? An eight ball of coke, probably? And even if they don’t say that, that’s what’s up, and what’s going up my honker. WHOOO, goddamn, that’s the shit, bro! I’m gonna live forever!

It’s been stellar for tourism as well: Our artisan, seasonal, and organic craft cocaine, produced by small local coca farms, is the envy of the West Coast. Customized flavorful hybrid strains, such as “Tony Montana Banana Surprise,” are highly sought after by visiting Hollywood writers, producers, and actors, not to mention East Coast investment bankers. Our tax revenues are soaring, having brought in $268 million in the first nine months of legalization. Our 24-hour recreational cocaine dispensaries have created a ton of new jobs, and new products line the shelves daily. Were cocaine gummy bears a misstep? As soon as I’m done finishing this package of 12, I’ll let you know, but all signs point to: No, great idea!

There’s still some resistance in pockets of the community, from those who don’t enjoy seeing so many white crosses in storefront windows, to others complaining about all the billboards marketing the devil’s dandruff to kids. (I happened to enjoy the campaign that featured the animated mascot Snorty the Aardvark, but maybe that’s just due to my fondness for aardvarks, and cocaine.)

Next week, we’ll look at the ballot initiative to regulate and tax medical meth, and examine how to stop chronic nosebleeds. Until then, may all your soda be unstepped on! Snort you later!