This Week’s Question: “What’s Your New Year’s Resolution?”

“To make sure 2017 is better than 2016, I hereby resolve to treat the universe more kindly, to walk upon Mother Earth with an open heart, to embrace my enemies and celebrate my friends, and to seek out the hidden wonders of everyday life.”Gary Barker,SE Portland

OH, SHUT YOUR SHIT-FILLED MOUTH, GARY. Sweet motherfucking Christ, how about you resolve to answer a simple fucking question without making everyone in earshot want to drive a rusty spike into their skull, you blathering barefoot moron? And while you’re at it, here’s another suggestion for how to “make sure 2017 is better”—shave off that pube-pile you call a beard, shower with water instead of patchouli, and cram your didgeridoo up your didgeri-ass. Namaste, you shitbird imbecile!

“I’m resolving to improve my neighborhood by encouraging our neighbors to take part in clean-up campaigns, keep their yards neat, and report any sightings of hobos.”Delores Johnson, NW Portland

Make sure you’ve got some fresh batteries in your hearing aid, Granny Fuckface, because I don’t want you to miss any of this: YOU ARE FUCKING INTOLERABLE, YOU INCONTINENT, ROT-BRAINED IMBECILE. The best way for you to “improve” your neighborhood is to sign in to NextDoor, apologize for being born, and gargle 20 Percocets with a tumbler of cooking sherry. But don’t forget to update your will first, sweetheart! I suggest you donate all your money and worldly possessions to the American Association of Doddering Old Busybodies!

“I’m resolving to subscribe to the New York Times and do everything I can to support freedom of the press. It’s very important—now more than ever.”Mark J. Atkins, N Portland

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, Mark! We in the “journalism biz” are so appreciative of your selfless, oh-so-generous decision to give the entirety of several dollars to an industry you’ve been ignoring for a MOTHERFUCKING DECADE. Tell you what: Instead of subscribing to a bloated shitrag like the New York Times, how about you buy a fucking ad in the fucking Portland Mercury? I haven’t gotten paid for this bullshit gig in SEVEN YEARS! Freedom comes at a price, shit-for-brains—and that price is either you handing me a hundo or me rolling up this newspaper and knocking the teeth out of your face.