[When we last left Daniel he was attending a “Nasty Woman” party where the topic du jour was conspiracy theories. And now, part two.—eds]

Once you start a conversation about lizard people and the Illuminati, it becomes the only conversation—no matter how sane everyone seemed beforehand. Not even pizza rolls can save the day. Once the pizza rolls had been devoured, pizzas were ordered. Oddly, there was no objection to ordering delivery, which seems like the most obvious way for the All-Seeing Eye to keep tabs. Goes to show what I know about the powers that be.

Having exhausted all the ways in which the lizard people have conspired with the Illuminati to keep tabs on us through our smartphones, it was time for the raffle.

Being a house party, $5 per ticket seemed a bit steep, but the available prizes were well worth the investment. Our host had convinced her employer to donate a USB-rechargeable vibrator with more variable settings than one could ever hope to explore. Another attendee had donated what appeared to be a one-year supply of Girl Scout cookies. Both prizes came with a handful of homemade buttons. Given the obvious prize value, no one hesitated to throw in their dollars. Fortunately, I had performed the night before, so I had the cash to blow.

CORRECTION: The only other male-bodied attendee did, in fact, opt out of the raffle, and for the most nonsensical pair of reasons. First, he claimed to have no use for a vibrator—demonstrating a sorrowful lack of imagination.

“You could always give it to your mom,” suggested our host.

“Nah. She’s too old-fashioned.”

What does that even mean?! Like fingers and veggies only? So I asked, “You mean like fingers and veggies only?”

“No. She’s super Catholic.”

That makes even less sense! Earlier, it had been established that his mother was a widow, and as such, a true bride of Christ. And according to 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, Jesus owes her some heavenly lovin’. Seeing as, according to Christian theology, the hands of the faithful are the hands of God, it seems only right that that lovin’ be carried out through her own two hands. Most importantly, old ladies get boners too and super Catholics definitely get super horny.

What sort of ungrateful son doesn’t want his mom to get off? Most of us wouldn’t exist if not by the grace of our mothers’ climaxes. I, for one, like to think my conception was the best lay my mother ever had—a real squirt fest. Everyone should wish that for the women who carried us for nine months only to spend the rest of their lives worried about our orgasms.

Point being, fuck that guy, and the raffle proceeded without him. Lo and behold the first name drawn: DANIEL MARTIN AUSTIN.

“Well, which prize would you like to claim?” asked our host.

“I’ll take the dildo.”

Without a doubt, this Nasty Woman’s party earned 10 points out of 10. PS: Love ya, mom!