Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: Every time I order something for home delivery on Amazon, it gets stolen from my front porch! I don’t have enough money for a fancy security system. What can I do?

—Jamie Shepherd, SE Portland

Hi, Mr. Shepherd! Boy, that really makes me angry! But lucky you, I have three great—and cheap—ways to protect your stuff from being stolen. (1) Chain the packages to your porch! (2) Rig your porch with one of those explosive ink packs that banks use to catch robbers. And (3) buy all your stuff at Walmart. They have a great toy section! Hope that helps!

Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: Two years ago my husband was murdered in a seemingly random carjacking. After a few months, the trail grew cold and the cops stopped looking for the assailant, but recently my house was broken into. Someone ransacked my husband’s desk, obviously looking for something—he was an accountant. I think the crimes could be connected. What should I do?

—Janice Morgenstern, SW Portland

Hi, Mrs. Morgenstern! Sounds like you need some extra security for your husband’s desk! Check out my answer above to Mr. Shepherd. Hope that helps!

Dear Benny Henderson, the Child Detective: You are a punk loser, Benny! Guess what, squid shit... I took your bike! And if you want it back, you better give me all your lunch money for two weeks! Ha-ha, fuck you, Benny!

—Tony Delfazio, NW Portland

Hi, Tony! You’re in Mr. Stussy’s homeroom, right? Ugh, he’s the worst. I have math with him, and he’s always super mean! What’s his problem anyway? I can’t wait for this year to be over, am I right? Anyway, GIVE ME MY FUCKING BIKE BACK, YOU FUCKER, OR I WILL BURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE AND CUT THE THROATS OF EVERYONE YOU LOVE! Hope that helps!