This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?

I do not like them! They look dangerous, and I already have trouble seeing bicyclists when I drive.

—Anne Helman, NE Portland

Shut the fuck up, Crypt Keeper! Here’s what “looks dangerous”: YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A TWO-TON CAR! I’m less worried about some dweeb on a child’s toy running over my foot than I am of some moldy-oldie (like YOU) careening down Burnside in a ’69 Buick with bloody bone fragments in the grill! If you need to get to Jo-Ann Fabrics so goddamn desperately, take the fucking bus. Your dirty Depends will fit right in! Normally, I’d conclude by inviting you to eat shit and die—but so far, you’ve only been able to do one of those things right.

—Frank Cassano

E-scooters aren’t the problem—cars are the problem. I, for one, fiercely support any multi-modal method of transportation that reduces humankind’s carbon footprint.

—David Sorell, SE Portland

Hey, Dave? Do “humankind” a favor and stop queefing up the planet with your word sharts! Newsflash, you pot-addled hippie-fucker: Every time you open your patchouli-slathered mouth, the fetid gas that spurts out raises the Earth’s temperature by 28 degrees! Next time you feel the need to share how in-fucking-sufferable you are, try this: Imagine every word turd you squeeze out will give a baby polar bear anal cancer! That baby polar bear is going to bleed out its ass until it’s dead, Dave, and it’s all your fault! Also, I don’t recycle.

—Frank Cassano

Ding ding! I love scootin’ ‘round “PDX,” especially with such gorgeous views from these cool bridges! I can see why you “Old Portlanders” call this place “Bridgeport”!

—Chez Montag, NW Portland

First, that’s Bridgetown, you fuck-coddled California piss baby. Second, the next time you’re “scootin’” across the Hawthorne, stop and take a selfie... so a real Portlander can toss your zit-riddled ass into the Willamette! But don’t worry—you’ll get a gorgeous view of the bridge... as in the Bay Bridge, as the tides carry your rot-bloated corpse back to Palo Alto where you fucking belong. (Hey, before you go, can you help me with my iPhone? This Bird app won’t install for some reason.)

—Frank Cassano