Before we get started on today’s lesson in newspapering and what it’s like being Wm. Steven Humphrey, I just have to share this latest tidbit of ignorance being squirted out by supporters of the far right. Here’s a Facebook comment left by Nathan in response to our article about the recent Proud Boy protest circle jerk in Portland: “Antifa is as organized, if not more so, than the propaganda machine is reporting, because they are the machine. Mercury is the central command. They support, fund, and organize Antifa.”

(Inhales deeply....)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!! OMIGOD YES! I live for this shit! Okay, first things first: The Mercury is totally gonna make T-shirts that read: “Antifa Central Command.” Secondly, someone needs to check on Nathan, because he’s obviously not getting enough oxygen to his brain. Nathan... oh, poor, misguided Nathan... the Mercury can barely afford the staples in our biweekly, much less fund thousands of cement milkshakes. We can’t even organize a staff retreat to the trampoline park! How are we going to “command” the thousands of people and organizations that make up Antifa?

However, Nathan is right about one thing: the Mercury proudly supports anti-fascism. We and the rest of the various anti-fascist groups of Portland might not agree on how we send these racist, misogynist, anti-American shit-lips back to their wormholes, but that’s okay—we all agree they’ve got to go. Apparently, Nathan, you believe otherwise. Take a nap, sweetie, you’re overtired.

Now let’s move along to this week’s question ALL ABOUT ME from longtime reader Becky, who writes: “Are you miffed that Dan Savage gets all of the credit for the character Gabe in Shrill played by John Cameron Mitchell? I see a lot of you [in this character], controlling your minions at the Mercury.”

Hi Becky! Thanks for your question ALL ABOUT ME. A little background for the uninitiated: Shrill is the Hulu series based on the book by writer Lindy West, who formerly worked at our sister paper The Stranger in Seattle alongside sex columnist/editorial director Dan Savage. While the plot of Shrill (the series) is based on Lindy’s experiences with Dan, John says he created the megalomaniacal character of Gabe all on his own. In other words, Gabe is not a true representation of Dan. (I know Dan. I’ve worked with Dan. Gabe is no Dan.)

So back to Becky's question: Am I miffed that I’m not the one being portrayed as a megalomaniac on Shrill? Short answer: FAWK YES. Even though I've barely met Lindy, Shrill (the series) takes place at an alt-weekly in PORTLAND, and I’m the only megalomaniac alt-weekly editor around these here parts, mothafawkers!! If you don't believe me, just ask my editorial minions about my megalomania. (You best believe I'VE ALREADY TOLD THEM HOW TO RESPOND!) Better yet, ask my minions in Antifa! As the undisputed leader of the "Antifa Central Command," I told them at our last retreat to the trampoline park, "Listen, you Antifa minion mothafawkers! I'm your fawkin' BOSS, see? You either write the producers of Shrill and DEMAND that John Cameron Mitchell base his character on ME, or I'm cutting off your cement milkshake funding!"

Oops! Sorry. Did my yelling disturb Nathan’s nap? (Send your questions to steve@portlandmercury.com.)

Yer megalomaniacal pal and grand exalted high priest of Antifa Central Command,

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Editor-in-Chief

Portland Mercury