Three things, you stupid baby! 1) Your dad thinks he’s funny—HE’S NOT. 2) I pretty sure you’re not patronizing him, which means you actually think his absolutely terrible joke is actually funny. IT’S NOT. 3) You might think that comedy is subjective—IT’S NOT. Therefore you are a STUPID, STUPID BABY. You are.

UGH! STUPID… BABY!!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)