MONDAY, DECEMBER 25
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, and Merry Christmas! We don’t even believe in Jesus, and yet? Who can argue with Christmas? It’s a truly magical time of year that reflects the best humanity has to offer—like putting others’ happiness before our own, and ignoring stupid things like “work” or “the news” in order to focus on friends and family. Even in the cursed year of 2017, we don’t think anyone could ruin Christma—oh, goddammit, Kim and Kanye! THIS JUST IN… “Kim Kardashian West received the perfect stock-ing stuffers for Christmas,” reports People magazine, insufferably. “The media mogul was surprised by her husband, Kanye West, with several lucrative investments in some of today’s wealthiest companies—including the Walt Disney Company, Netflix, Amazon, Apple, and Adidas.” “Best husband alert!” Kim proclaimed on Insta, making sure to reveal that her Disney shares are valued at $100,000 and her Adidas stock is worth about $169,000—and that’s not including those other investments, which People guesses Kanye “spent about $100,000” on. So that makes our Christmas gift for Hubby Kip (a $20 gift card to Outback Steakhouse, which trust us, he loves) seem pretty crummy in comparison, and it makes Hubby Kip’s Christmas gift to us (uh, a half-empty box of Franzia with a bow on top, which trust us, is already gone) seem real crummy in comparison. And with that, Christmas is ruined. Thanks for NOTHING, Kimye. It’s enough to make you think Krampus is a Kardashian.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26
Speaking of questionable holiday gifts, remember that time that darling actress Margot Robbie found a severed human foot on a beach? NO?!? Then by all means, enjoy the following story: In an actor roundtable discussion with the Hollywood Reporter that also included Octavia Spencer, Diane Kruger, and Bryan Cranston, Robbie offered up an unsolicited vacation anecdote. “I once found a human foot on the beach in Nicaragua,” she said. “Oh wow, death!” Spencer replied. “Just the bones?” the hilarious Kruger asked. “And she uses it as a door stop,” Cranston quipped. “Just a little souvenir,” Robbie said. Since we know Robbie would never lie about such a startling find, it raises the following questions: (1) How did she get the foot through customs and into the USA, and (2) did she re-gift it to anyone at her office white elephant party? Follow-up: Can Margot Robbie please come to next year’s Mercury white elephant party?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27
If you’re anything like us, you want only two things out of life: Margot Robbie’s souvenir decapitated foot, and an invite to the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Unfortunately, the British government is already trying to meddle with the couple’s invite list, which may exclude two very special guests: ourselves and former President Barack Obama! According to the Sun, Harry and Barack are totes bros, and have been bro-ing down since earlier in the year. So of course Barack and Michelle are going to be invited to the wedding, right? Well not so fast! As we all know, President Trump will never, ever be invited (because he’s a disgusting moldy orange peel), and the British government is petrified that if the Obamas are invited and Trump isn’t, the current American president will lash out against the Royals in his regular stupid fashion. However, Prince Harry really wants to invite his bro—so no matter who wins this argument, it will really cause quite a “tuppence for the birds” around Buckingham Palace! (Wait… we just learned we’ve been disinvited from the royal wedding because we have no idea what “tuppence for the birds” means. Cor blimey,
guvnah! That’s a bit of a damp squib, innit?)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28
Because he’s a bloated egotist, today President Trump gave an impromptu off-the-cuff interview at his West Palm Beach golf club to the New York Times. Trump covered a wide range of topics in the 30-minute chat, including his campaign’s collusion with the Russians, Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss, and his support of accused pedophile Roy Moore. And (un)shockingly? It was jam-packed with flat-out lies. Trump claimed it’s “been proven” there was no collusion with Russia (though the Washington Post counted at least 31 times his campaign met with Putin’s puppets). Trump then claimed that Clinton lost the election because “she campaigned for the popular vote… I campaigned for the electoral college” (there’s zero evidence of this, though maybe Trump is finally beginning to accept the fact that he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes). The president also lied that his endorsement of teenage-creeper Roy Moore made it a “much closer race” (yup, that’s bullshit, too). While we could list many more blatant fucking lies the president told in this interview, the Post tallied it up thusly: “In a 30-minute interview, President Trump made 24 false or misleading claims.” Or if you really want to break it down, he lied every 75 seconds. Now it’s true, Trump probably could’ve lied more… but remember, some of that time was eaten up by listening to the reporter’s questions, breathing, and dreaming up his next big fucking lie.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29
Speaking of irredeemable a-holes, Vice President Mike Pence is an irredeemable a-hole. Billing himself as “a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order,” Pence is also in possession of a mean homophobic streak, and has committed several dick moves including signing a law that would allow businesses in his home state of Indiana to discriminate against members of the LGBTQ community, and being a proponent of “conversion therapy” for those who “suffer” from homosexuality. On the upside, Pence’s deplorable beliefs make him extremely easy to troll. For example, this week, as Pence and his wife arrived at their posh property in Aspen, Colorado for a holiday ski vacation, they were greeted by a huge banner hung at the end of their driveway which read “Make America Gay Again.” (Everyone in town assumes it was Pence’s neighbors who hung the sign—but who knows? It’s a fact that Pence is very interested in the way gay people have sex.)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30
Much to the chagrin of misogynist fanboys, the New York Times noted that the three top films of 2017—Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Beauty and the Beast, and Wonder Woman—featured leading women characters. In case you didn’t notice, a long overdue revolution started this past year, and at least 300 Hollywood women (including heavy hitters Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman, and Shonda Rhimes) are taking the revolution a step further. Together they’ve formed an anti-harassment coalition called Time’s Up designed to nullify the power imbalance in Tinseltown and across the country. Their initiative includes a $13 million legal defense fund to protect less privileged women from harassment, drafting legislation to penalize companies who support serial harassers, and achieving the eventual goal of gender parity in the workplace. Pushed to action by multiple allegations of sexual abuse against Harvey Weinstein, a small group of talent agents began weekly Time’s Up meetings, which have since grown into a massive and influential group of the most powerful women in the industry working together for structural change. “We have been siloed off from each other,” Witherspoon told the NYT. “We’re finally hearing each other, and seeing each other, and now locking arms in solidarity with each other.” Don’t want to speak too soon, but maybe 2018 won’t be so terrible after all?
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 31
Happy New Year’s Eve, dears and darlings! Need further proof that 2018 might not be an unrelenting hellscape? We’d like to offer Exhibit A: Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance did not explode into a flaming shitshow! As you undoubtedly recall, her performance last year was a hilarious and awful debacle, with technical difficulties aplenty, butt-clenching awkwardness, and Mariah stomping off the stage in a huff. This time around, the beloved diva demanded a proper soundcheck, and her performance went off without a hitch—except for her repeated snide onstage comments about not receiving the hot tea she requested. But you know what? She’s fucking right. She’s Mariah fucking Carey! And she’s worked her ASS off for that hot tea—so you better fucking give it to her! AND GIVE IT TO THE REST OF US, TOO! Because 2018 is going to be the year of giving women the hot fucking tea they asked for! So get off your ass, gentlemen, and START YOUR TEA KETTLES.