[Here are some wise words from former Portlander/current Denver resident and verrry funny comedian Andie Main that she wrote for us in 2016—and yet still hold true today!—eds]

1) Steel your nerves in the car before entering the house by watching the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, and that scene near the end of Schindler’s List when Oskar wishes he’d done more. YOU ARE JUST AS STRONG AS TOM HANKS AND LIAM NEESON. ALSO, ISN’T SPIELBERG A NATIONAL TREASURE?

2) Bring your partner, even if the family doesn’t approve of them. Especially if they don’t. Never let go of your partner’s hand and remember that we are just dumb primates, and this is one of those weird turf wars they like to have. Did you know that Bonobo Apes trade sexual favors for dominance in their family hierarchies? Be thankful you are not a Bonobo Ape.

3) Drugs. You have two different options: You can either medicate yourself with a tranq… or??? Medicate your relatives! Make those weed brownies and make ’em irresistible! Just don’t let anyone have more than one and use less weed than it would ever take to get you high. Aunt Dorothy has a low tolerance and she is a nice lady.

4) Ninety minutes into Thanksgiving is going the time when either everyone is high or just you. THIS WILL SET THE TONE FOR THE REST OF THE MEAL. YOU MUST ASSESS THE SITUATION AND ACT ACCORDINGLY.