Jefferson City, MO (AP)—Last week Missouri’s house voted to tighten their state’s abortion restrictions, including overturning an ordinance preventing employers and housing providers from discriminating against women based on whether they’d had an abortion, or were currently taking birth control.
This week Governor Eric Greitens is expected to sign another bill that will tighten restrictions even further.
SB 7, the new bill, begins by forbidding fertile women who are not interested in childbearing from attending Ryan Gosling films. According to Greitens, it “puts them into an impure mindset that may eventually lead to a pregnancy out of wedlock.” The governor cites Gosling’s “insane abs” as the source of the problem.
When asked which films these women could attend instead, Greitens suggested “…a nice Craig T. Nelson vehicle, or perhaps something starring Steve Buscemi.”
The bill then goes further, restricting unmarried St. Louis women from swimming in public pools, working out in a coed gym, or attending church socials without homemade blueberry crumbles.
“All these acts lead to lascivious thoughts,” said the bill’s sponsor, State Senator Andrew Koenig, “which lead to coitus, pregnancy, and possible abortions. Women should consider staying at home until they’re ready for childbirth to avoid these dangerous distractions.”
Other events, products, or activities the bill requires women to avoid for fear of arousal include…