Welcome to the Party, New Americans!

• Who wants cake?

Forty-nine new Americans took part in a naturalization ceremony today at Waterfront Park. Immigrants representing over two dozen different nations swore allegiance to the flag, renouncing allegiance to any “foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty.” Then they had cake and punch.

I was sent, on behalf of the Portland Mercury, to buy some lucky immigrant their first beer as a citizen. Alas, my toast to a better America was made all alone. Most attended the ceremony with their family, so they got a pass. I guess. But one guy looked me in the eye and said, “Sorry, I don’t drink,” while holding a glass of champagne. Then he asked me where to apply for a job in politics. You should worry for the future of our country when it is nigh impossible to find a drinking partner at one o’clock in the afternoon on Cinco de freaking Mayo.

• Welcome, fellow white person!

Mayor Sam Adams was on hand, along with his dreamy blue eyes. He welcomed new citizens and spoke briefly about the struggle for unity and equal rights. He mentioned that when his grandfather immigrated to the United States, he listed listed his race as “Irish” on naturalization documents. Apparently this was funny to Sam because everybody knows the Irish are really just “white people.”

Part of the naturalization process requires candidates to take a 100-question citizenship test. It’d be really interesting to see how many of you shiftless layabouts Blogtown readers would be able to pass this test.