Dear Readers,

Portland, put down your pot vapers—because I’m about to BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND OUT OF YOUR FREAKING BRAIN. Okay, currently you’re reading this article and murmuring, “Wow, I’m really intrigued by what Wm. Steven Humphrey is saying thus far.” But here’s the thing... I’m not talking to you right now, I’m talking to you—from the past! These words were actually written days ago, well before our 4 pm, Tuesday, November 6 press deadline. So the reality is, no matter how smart I may sound, you actually know more than I do, because you’re in the future (where there’s much more information) and I’m in the past (where everyone’s much dumber)!

BOOM! That’s your mind exploding!

But actually? It’s really frustrating. Because for you, the midterm elections have already happened, and so you’re either A) celebrating by dancing on the burned skulls of Republicans, or B) wearing a loincloth and doing slave labor for a bunch of talking apes carrying rifles on horseback. (Your dystopian nightmare may vary.) In short, I don’t know what the fuck happened on Tuesday, November 6, and you do. Technically, that makes you smarter than me—and I am very uncomfortable with that power dynamic.

Therefore, I’m forced to resort to what all great newspapering people do in times of indecision: FAKE IT! And with that, here are my two hot takes (now very cold takes) on who won Oregon’s governor race and why.

YAY! KATE BROWN WON! I’m almost as happy as when Hillary Clinton won the 2016 election! 😭😭😭 Seriously though, this is super good news, because Kate is probably the most progressive governor in the country, which drives right-wing dummies INSANE. (Ha. Ha. Ha!) But Kate—next time you run for governor, maybe try not being so goddamn modest? We nearly got a fraudulent, goateed water-carrier for Trump in the governor’s seat because you didn’t crow enough about your accomplishments before the election (such as championing reproductive health rights, and pushing back against our crappy, corrupt prez)! So in the future, please follow in the footsteps of America’s white males, and grossly overestimate your abilities. THANK YOU!

BOO! KNUTE BUEHLER WON! AKA “Fuck YOU, Oregonian Editorial Board!” Sure, Buehler had help winning the governorship—including $3.5 million dollars from Nike traitor Phil Knight, and gullible Democrats tricked by Knute’s “moderate Republican” Halloween mask—but the Oregonian’s endorsement of Buehler was particularly galling. Couple that with their recent op-ed/love letter to “misunderstood” Patriot Prayer garbage human Joey Gibson, and it’s obvious they’re working against the best interests of Oregon and should be replaced (either by more trustworthy Oregonian reporters or a Chuck E. Cheese robot band—either would be an improvement).

OKAY! So these are my ice-cold takes (BRRR!), and I’ll see you once again in two weeks to deliver even more outdated information from the distant past. (Unless I’m being held at gunpoint by a horse-riding ape. Silver lining: I look great in a loincloth.)

Yer pal,

Wm. Steven Humphrey


Portland Mercury