Allow us to hector/lecture you for a few minutes, starting with some pedantically condescending questions: Are you dying to write in somebody, anybody who isn't Jefferson Smith or Charlie Hales to replace Sam Adams? Are you dying for the chance, should several stars align in Salem in Washington DC, to buy verified, high-grade marijuana at a state-run store? Are you dying to help Barack Obama win the popular vote, to take the sting out of a loss in the Electoral College, the presidential election's actual(if pretend) arena?

What's that? You are? Why, that's bully! Here's what you can do about it: TAKE FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES AND GO REGISTER TO VOTE. And keep reading, because this is important: The deadline to sign up for a ballot in the November 6 election is tomorrow, this Tuesday, October 16.

The easiest way: Hit up the Multnomah County Elections Office's website. You can download a registration form and find answers to questions like, "If I'm already registered, but moved since the last election, do I have to register again?" (The answer is yes.) Or? Go right to the cleverly named website maintained by the Oregon Secretary of State's Office.

You can also go old school, if that's how you roll: Show up at 1040 SE Morrison or call 503-988-3720. Copies of registration forms are also in phonebooks, and in post offices, libraries, schools, and DMV offices.

Any Oregonian 17 or older is eligible (provided you'll be 18 on or before Election Day). And no one should feel left out if they're currently houseless. List the place you sleep most often as your residence—be as detailed as possible, providing details like cross streets—and then use a friend's place, a shelter, a PO box, or even the county elections office as a mailing address where your ballot will be sent.

Lecture over. Now go make me proud.