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[READ ALL OF THE MERCURY'S 2020 ENDORSEMENTS HERE!—eds]

President of the United States: Surprise! Vote for Joe Biden

Prepare to be shocked to your very core: the unbelievably lefty Portland Mercury is endorsing Joe Biden for President. But wait! Now we’ll do you one better: Not only should you NOT vote for Donald Trump, you should make it your life goal to make sure not a single Republican ever gets voted into office again. And to illustrate why Republicans should never again receive a check mark on your ballot, we hereby present... a puppy analogy.

As you know, puppies can be great. They can be adorable and lick all the sadness off your face. However, they can also pee all over your house and poop in your hat. They will happily and without a second thought destroy the physical objects you care most about. And you know what? Not their fault. It’s your fault. Puppies are singularly self-absorbed creatures who have no sense of past or future and only care about their needs in that particular moment. And you know this. So if you don’t give them regular opportunities to go outside, it’s your fault that your hat is full of poop. If you don’t watch them every second and make sure that bag of weed is far away from its sharp-toothed little mouth, don’t be surprised by what they’ll try to get away with.

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For those who haven’t had their coffee yet, Republicans are the puppies in this analogy—though considerably less cute. If there was a time anyone in the GOP could be trusted (and we’re not sure there ever was), that time is long over. They’ve spent the last four years squandering that opportunity. In order to get whatever it is they want right now, they will happily and without a second thought screw over you, themselves, and everyone around them. They choose to remain willfully ignorant of any facts, the needs or feelings of anyone else, and will excitedly follow their exalted, unimpeachable leader, Donald J. Trump, into the abyss.

So while the Mercury enthusiastically endorses puppies, we would like you to actively vote every Republican out of office. Oh! And while you’re at it, vote for Joe Biden. (Also, we sincerely apologize to puppies for the unfair comparison.)