A FEW WEEKS AGO, the Mercury published a collection of advice and observations from some of Portland’s most experienced and hilarious dating experts—a smorgasbord of dating questions asked, and answered [“Dating State of the Union,” Feature, April 6]. We quickly realized that the story didn’t end after reminding you that it’s hard to avoid an ex in the bulk aisle of Whole Foods. You had dating stories to tell, Portland. And they are terrifying, true tales from the crypt.
In solidarity, I collected real-life dating stories from our panel of romance experts, as well as the Mercury‘s Portland Dating Dispatch blog, where anonymous locals stopped being polite and started getting real about seeking relationships and sex in Portland.
What did we learn? There’s not much hope for us, fellow singles of Portland. Certainly, many of the shady characters from these tales still roam the OkCupid underworld, SO BEWARE! But reading these stories did give us a joyous taste of schadenfreude, an undoing of the fantasy-filled tropes of romantic comedy. We’re not alone in our dating battles, Portland! We’ve all had bad dates, or caused them. But sometimes, just sometimes, all the trouble is worth it.
TRUE DATING STORIES FROM OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS
“Met up with a dude off of OkCupid. He showed up wearing house slippers and sweatpants because he’d been ‘day drinking to get rid of his hangover.’ (It was 10 pm when we met). He told me he was still hungover from an OKC date he had the night before. When I asked if he wore condoms, he said aggressively, ‘What? No. I’m 34 and never wear condoms—I’m clean. I mean, I probably have HPV, but I dunno, men can’t get tested for that shit.’
“He paid for my drinks and I ordered him a Lyft home from his phone.” —JoAnn Schinderle, dating podcast co-host
