***SPECIAL
ADVERTISING SECTION***
BEST PLACE TO CHEAT ON YOUR LOVER
Chinese Village Restaurant and Lounge, 520 SE 82nd, 253-7545
Okay, here’s the problem with cheating: You can never find a damn place to
do it. I mean, what are you gonna do? The bar across the street is populated
with fellow big-mouthed gossips, and anywhere else you’re bound to run into
pesky Significant Others. Well, check out the Chinese Village! Here we have
your classic tiki bar, full of glossy, black plastic, secretively shy, sexy
booths, and barkeeps that will bark, “Go back to your seat until the waitress
comes over!” This bar is an island in a sea of dives, an oasis for the refugee
of 82nd shopping, and a great, GREAT place to get some covert booty.
BEST PLACE TO DUMP A BEER ON YOUR FRIEND’S HEAD
Tired Feet Tavern, 8431 SE 82nd, 774-2278
PM almost chose not to write about the Tired Feet Tavern, considering
our love affair with hunky bartender Alfonzo recently ended violently with a
bowl of Spaghetti O’s in the face (his, not ours). But, we’ve decided to be
the bigger person and forgive the past (in hopes that TF will change their minds
and purchase some ads). Anyhew, PM has to give it to TF that they certainly
have a nice, juicy, bulbous pair of virtual reality truck racing games. Friends
can compete against each other on side-by-side machines, and your opponent is
conveniently nearby if you’d, say, like to dump a beer on them, or give ’em
a good hard punch. Careful though, the TF does not allow bikes indoors, and
strictly enforces this rule. PM saw a 20-something hot body try to sneak
in a BMX–and we won’t even tell you what happened.
BEST PLACE TO DRINK BEER OUT OF A BEERCOZY
Winning Hand Tavern, 5913 82nd
Everybody has a regular bar; the place you can go alone and not feel like a huge, friendless loser. The Winning Hand is that place for a lot of adorable old crusties who live near 82nd. They chill at the bar (all with beers in foam Budweiser holders), watch Nascar, and swap stories about Hal’s latest G.I. Joe purchase. PM was extremely smitten with this little dive, especially after a kooky local paid for a half rack of juke box songs and sold us mood rings (2 for $5, what a deal!). PM did make the mistake, however, of almost prostituting themselves by playing a bunch of suggestive songs on the juke, including “Like a Virgin,” and “Drive” (you know, “who’s gonna drive you home tonight”). Thankfully, the crusties couldn’t have cared less, and some actually left the bar to accommodate our furious dancing.