HOW TO ROMANTICALLY PORK A GIRL
Need sex? TELL ME ABOUT IT! Seriously, I haven’t had sexual coitus
with a member of the female persuasion since Barney went on the air.
(Fuck Barney, anyway.) However, just because I’m not regularly bangin’
and poontangin’, that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of offering very good
advice when it comes to slipping girls Mr. Charlie Sausage. (That’s the
nickname for my penis.)
TIP #1: GIVE YOUR PENIS A NICKNAME. The name of my penis is
“Charlie Sausage.” However, you should only let girls know this
information as a desperate last resort (more on this later). Why give
your penis a nickname? Because if you’re cruising a party, you’ll need
someone to talk to—and that’s Charlie Sausage. Plus, if you
actually listen to what Charlie Sausage has to say, you’ll find he has
a lot to offer. For example: Charlie Sausage will identify the girls
you should be hitting on. Let’s say you’re at a party filled with
desirable feminine meat. Instead of chatting up the most luscious gal
in the pack, Charlie Sausage will pick the homeliest. Why? Because
Charlie Sausage knows that the ugly ones are the most likely to sleep
with you. Charlie Sausage knows that ugly girls are the quickest way to
get from Point A (desperately hanging around at a party) to Point B
(burying himself in Vivica Vagina. That’s her vagina’s nickname.).
TIP #2: WHEN THEY “ZIG,” YOU “ZAG.” Unfortunately for you,
this same party is filled with other men who are also listening to
their penises, probably nicknamed Hard Harry, Chesterfield McPenison,
or maybe F. Scott Fitzmember. The upside? These guys are all wearing
backward baseball caps, cargo shorts, and knit polo shirts, which means
when they “zig,” you need to “zag.” Wear a fuzzy hat like Jamiroquai.
Get a lip piercing. And borrow some of your sister’s eyeliner. (The
intention is to remind girls of that guy from Fall Out Boy who showed
his penis on the internet. They’ll subliminally assume you have a
penis, too.)
TIP #3: USE “ROMANCE” AS A METHOD OF INITIATING PORKING. I
know! Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? But it works. Women love the
illusion of romance, even though it doesn’t exist. First of all:
Pretend you’re black. For some reason, black guys are super good at
pretending to be romantic. Approach your prey, gently slide the
backside of your fingers down her bicep, and coo, “Ooooooh, baby. Your
shit is so fine.” (But say it like a black person.) Then say something
like, “Ooooh, baby, I’d buy you a drink, but you already look wet.
Besides, I really don’t have any money on me at the moment.” Now at
this point, her best friend may say, “EWW! This guy is gross.” Instead
of allowing this girlfriend to block Charlie Sausage, use it as an
opportunity to get both girls in bed. “Ooooh, don’t worry baby, my bed
is big enough for the four of us.” And when she asks whom the fourth
is? That’s when you introduce Charlie Sausage. WSH
HOW TO GET GOOD GRADES (PSSST! CHEAT!)
If the general point and purpose of college is to mold young minds
for the rigors and challenges of the real world, then cheating is the
ultimate method of preparation. In the real world of corporate
business, you will lie on your resume, leave discarded coworkers in
your wake as you climb the ladder, and possibly cheat on your spouse
with a younger officemate (most likely your receptionist, or the cute
copy room intern). Either way, in life you cheat to win.
So in order to achieve success off campus, you better learn
how to cheat on it. Your best friend in cheating is technology.
While gramps wrote test answers on the sweaty palms of his hand (it
smears, don’t bother), his shoes (unless they are invisible, this never
works), or smuggled an abacus under his shirt (so cumbersome),
modern-day students have lots of new deception options to pass exams
without wasting their precious time studying. Let’s examine them, shall
we?
TIP #1: USE YR PHN. Granted, you can’t scam a biology
paper entirely via your Sidekick, but your texting keypad is perfect
for the random pop quiz, especially when you have a roommate back in
the dorm at the ready. If you can text and drive—which I know you
can—then you also have the “TXTN SKLZ” to text under your desk,
and thus, under the watchful eye of teach. Just be sure to keep the
ringer off. Nothing ruins a good cell cheat like your Usher ring tone
directing all eyes to you as you hammer away at the keys.
TIP #2: BUY A PAPER! While cell phones can help, the wallet
is the preferred method of cheating, especially online. If you have mom
and dad’s credit card handy (just make sure they don’t see the $60
charge from fastpapers.com), you
can buy a cheap ticket to Diploma Land. But before you bust out that
Visa, remember the wise words of Sun Tzu: “If you do not know yourself
or your enemy, you will always lose.” Granted, I paid some kid to read
Art of War for me, but I think he means you better know what the
colleges are doing to prevent your lazy-ass from lying your way to good
grades. Beware of goodie-goodie sites like turnitin.com, which has “Plagiarism
Prevention” techniques and helps train teachers to be aware of your
cheating ways. What a bunch of dicks.
TIP #3: FIND A NERD. It might bruise the bank account some,
but the tried and true way to enjoy all the perks of college (hazing,
coeds, beer, oversized sweaters with your school’s logo on them)
without the bad elements (classes, exams, homework) is to hire a nerd.
Preferably a poor nerd, one who struggles with the burden of tuition,
so much so that he has to pawn his original-edition Chewbacca bandolier
just to buy books. With his brain and your parents’ money, it’s a
win-win situation!
Just don’t get caught, because, you know, cheating is wrong. EAC
HOW TO MAKE MONEY
FACT: Most parents are under the wrongheaded conclusion that it’s
possible for you to attend college AND have a job. UHHH…
WRONG. Going to college isn’t some “part-time gig” where you
snooze through a couple classes and then waste the rest of your day on
the quad playing Frisbee and smoking hashish. First of all, there’s
homework, and there’s parties, and there’s playing Frisbee, and smoking hashish. WHO HAS TIME FOR A JOB?
However, a playa’s still got to eat, and if mummy and daddy have cut
off your allowance, then you’re gonna have to get your cheddar
(“money”) elsewhere. For example…
TIP #1: SELL YOUR BLOOD. Fuck selling your blood. What are
you? A lowlife junkie? Shit, no. Besides, those places only give you,
like, $20 a pint. And who knows where your blood is going? What if it
winds up in some terrorist who blows up the classroom you’re sitting
in? That’s called IRONY, bitches—and you want nothing to do with
it. That’s why you should consider…
TIP #2: SELL ANYTHING EXCEPT BLOOD… LIKE,
I DON’T KNOW… EGGS? Ladies, you are currently at your most
fertile moment of existence. If I look at you, you’ll get pregnant.
That’s why you should sell your eggs. There are literally thousands of
barren, matronly thirtysomethings who are begging to have their vaginas
ripped open by the head of a newborn infant. (Yeah, I don’t understand
it either.) And who are you to stop them from mutilating themselves?
Fork over your eggs, and rake in a tub-load of moolah!
TIP #3: RENT OUT YOUR FEET. You’re an adult now, so I’m going
to let you in on a little secret. People are FREAKS. And these freaks
will actually pay you big bucks to act out their freaky fantasies with
you—especially foot fetishists! If you’ve got nice-looking
toesies, get on craigslist and rent out your feet. Make sure to mention
that you’re not interested in any sexual contact, and maybe take one of
your thuggish football player friends with you. As mentioned earlier,
these freaks are FREAKS.
TIP #4: RENT OUT YOUR NUDITY. Here’s one for the guys. There
is an entirely different subsection of freaks who enjoy male nudity in
all its forms—for example, watching you take a shower,
masturbate, or cleaning their house while naked. Take it from me, you
can make SUPER big bucks with the nude housecleaning bit… and you
don’t even have to do that great of a job! Again, consult “Freak
Central,” AKA craigslist.
TIP #5: BEG FOR FOOD. If you’ve got a little money coming in
from mom ‘n’ pop, why waste it on food? (Especially when that dough
should be going to drugs and drinks.) The kids at Reed College have the
right idea with their cafeteria “scrounge line”—wherein they hang
around with a fork, and wait for someone to give them some partially
eaten meatloaf or pudding. BUT WHY STOP THERE? Why not take your fork
and hang around Wendy’s, waiting for someone’s uneaten
bacon-and-cheese-stuffed potato? Why not scrounge for the remaining
bites of a filet mignon at the Heathman Hotel? And why not eat the food
out of your parents’ garbage can? After all the shit you’ve taken from
them—they owe you, man. They owe you. WSH
