DEAR STUDENTS:
As dean of Portland Mercury Community College, I’d like to
give a warm welcome to our incoming freshmen. And while I’m on the
topic, I’d also like to remind you that rules are made for a REASON,
and anyone found in violation of these rules—which are clearly
set down in your PMCC student manual—risks suspension, expulsion,
or hopefully worse. That being said, I think you’ll find PMCC to be a
fun and diverse institution of higher learning, dedicated to
giving you the head start you’ll need to pursue and obtain your sad,
nonexistent future.
Here at PMCC, we believe there are three cornerstones to a student’s
success: (1) Dream big! Seriously, you have to dream big,
because that’s all you’ve got. Realistically, we all know you’re the
type of person who will never get anywhere in life—otherwise,
what are you doing here at PMCC? I mean… c’mon. (2) Celebrate
diversity! You know, I remember when “diversity” meant having a
choice between fish sticks and sloppy joes for lunch. Nowadays, I’m
contractually forced to “celebrate diversity” or have my federal
funding cut. So… whoopee! Diversity, y’all! Hug a Spaniard, or
something. And (3) Cheat! For reasons unknown, cheating has
gotten a BAD RAP in education circles. The point is having the
answers, am I right? So why is it so goddamn important that we have
these answers in our heads? If for some reason you desperately need to
know the Pythagorean theorem—is it really going to matter to you
whether I pull it out of my head, or recite it from the bottom of my
shoe? YOU JUST WANT THE INFORMATION! Memorization is a waste of time.
It’s why God invented the Wikipedia.
That’s why the faculty, personnel, and students of PMCC have written
the following Back-to-School “Cheat Sheet” guide. It is literally
bulimic with the basic, most important information every new student in
Portland needs. Where are the cheapest vintage clothes? We got that.
Who are the most important authors to know so you don’t look like a
dipshit? We got that. How can you make a wilted spinach salad in your
dorm room using only an iron? We got that. Plus we’ve also got
critically important information on such wide ranging subjects as
dealing with your idiot dormmate, a local music nutrition chart, where
to score free movies and gay sex (two different articles actually), and
there’s even a clip-und-save directory that includes every
conceivable service a freshman could possibly need, including condoms
and nude people!
Let’s face it, people, your future STINKS! And that’s why PMCC is
dedicated to making sure you graduate with at least a modicum of
important information—on the bottom of your shoe, if not your
brain.
Don’t bother to thank me, just graduate and donate to the alumni
fund. Oh. And celebrate diversity!
Your Dean,
Wm. Steven Humphrey, Doctor of Edutainment
