THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE facing the burgeoning dorm-room chef is
that many universities prohibit the use of hotplates and toaster ovens
in on-campus residences. This leaves the hungry college gourmand with
little choice but to subsist on pre-packaged microwave meals. There is,
however, a solution: the clothes iron.

Your iron is essentially a hotplate, but unlike a hotplate it can be
used as both a cooking surface for frying, searing, and
sautéing, as well as a press to make grilled sandwiches. Here
are a few tips to make your iron cooking a success.

First, invest in some good spices. At the very least, procure salt,
pepper, and a bottle of Herbes de Provence. Augment these basics with
Cajun seasoning, garlic salt, seasoned salt, and truffle salt
(available at the Meadow, 373 N Mississippi) if you’ve just received
your financial aid check and you’re feeling particularly fancy.

Second, when using the iron as a hotplate, keep it level. To prop up
the iron, wrap textbooks in a layer of plastic under a layer of tinfoil
(to ensure resale). Reed students: DO NOT USE YOUR KINDLE.

If you are using the iron as a press, wrap a cookie sheet in
tinfoil, and oil both the cookie sheet and the iron’s surface. This
method works for frying bacon and pressing grilled cheese and paninis.
It also works to add crispiness to thin chicken breast that’s already
been sautéed on the flat surface of the iron.

For most applications, you’ll want to use a high-heat setting
without steam. However, steam can be used for applications like
wilting spinach—to be combined with chevre and walnuts for a
delicious and nutritious salad.

Be mindful of smoke. Nothing will give you away faster than the
delicious scent of fried bacon wafting down the halls. You’ll want to
take the same precautions as you do when firing up the bong—put a
towel under the door, cook next to a window, and vent the smoke with a
fan.

Once your iron kitchen has been set up, the sky’s the limit. Let
your creativity run wild. Sear rare ahi tuna and season with a few
drops of soy sauce pilfered from the cafeteria. Experiment with various
cheeses to make the perfect pressed grilled cheese. Once you’ve
practiced for a couple semesters you might even be ready to attempt a
crêpe.

Remember, because you’ll be using a small amount of oil on the iron
to ensure your food doesn’t stick, you’ll never again be able to use
the appliance for its original purpose. But if you notice bacon grease
stains covering your roommate’s shirt, at least you’ll have proof
they’ve been getting into your shit. Bon
appétite!