ALLIED “I prefer the term ‘alt-right.’”

I DON’T CARE how hot your wife is: Nazism is always a dealbreaker. This is common sense, and it’s utterly lacking in Robert Zemeckis’ dreadful Allied, which tries SO HARD to sell a sentimental load of garbage in a WWII-era love story between two spies (Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt), one of whom might be a Nazi.

After seeing Allied, I’m pretty sure Cotillard didn’t break up Pitt’s marriage, because even if their chemistry weren’t thoroughly absent from this movie, Pitt demonstrates throughout that he doesn’t know how to say “Marion.” He speaks French with an accent that isn’t Quebecois, as Allied’s too-cutesy script suggests—it’s just awful, and his tortured French is only the most obvious problem with his performance. Meanwhile, Cotillard, who’s maybe a Nazi, wears a lot of beautiful dressing gowns, because this movie actually suggests that beautiful women can’t have shitty politics. So Marion Cotillard’s beautiful dressing gowns are just part of a A SOPHISTICATED LONG CON? Sure!

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It somehow makes things worse that Pitt and Cotillard are surrounded by more interesting players: My fave Lizzy Caplan is great as Pitt’s sister, whose lesbianism is apparently a nonissue in 1940s London? Mad Men’s Jared Harris is great as Pitt’s pragmatic British boss. The French resistance fighter whose identity Cotillard may have stolen sounds fascinating. Even Pitt and Cotillard’s baby—who hopefully finds a good therapist when she grows up—is more interesting than they are. I would have happily watched a movie about ANY of these other people.

Instead, we get cheaply sentimental trash that conveniently ignores the human cost of World War II by suggesting the REAL tragedy of it is that Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard couldn’t be together. Nope! 2016, it turns out, is not the time to downplay Nazis or dance around genocide. You’re much better off rewatching Inglourious Basterds.

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30