An upbeat mix of weaponized nostalgia, product placement, Chris Pratt 2.0, CGI monsters, and light misogyny, 2015’s Jurassic World delivered everything modern moviegoers demand! Thus it became the fifth-highest grossing movie of all time, which means you are legally obligated to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, in which the dinosaurs are so goofy that I swear to god they get THIS CLOSE to talking. All of cinema will be for naught if the next one of these doesn’t give a velociraptor a heartfelt monologue. (“WASSSS ONLEEE IN KITCHENNNN BECAUSSSSSE WANNNTED ICE CREEEEEAM”)
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom contains zero fallen kingdoms (huh), but it does have (1) an exploding volcano (timely!), (2) an amped-up, ’roided-out super raptor (okay), and (3) Jeff Goldblum! (Please note: Jeff Goldblum is in this film for four seconds. A severed arm gets more screen time.)
This is a movie bursting with bugfuck shitbird INSANE ideas (some might call them “bad ideas,” or “ideas so stupid even a small child would cruelly mock you for having them”), but to its credit, it commits to all of them. Here is a list of things in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom that you will think I am making up to fuck with you, but I assure you, I am not: A Scooby Doo mansion full of seeeeecrets! Multiple baby dinosaurs engaging in multiple cuddling scenarios! Evil Russians buying weaponized dinosaurs! (Timely!) Elder abuse! A jailbreak that relies on a head-butting Pachycephalosaurus?? Murrrrderrrrrr. A Trump-quoting mercenary who collects dinosaur teeth... so he can make himself a pretty necklace! A CLONE?!?!?! Look, usually blockbusters and sequels to blockbusters and blockbuster reboots and sequels to blockbuster reboots are just bland, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom fucking GOES FOR IT. I am not sure what “it” is—but it has been gotten! The fuck is this? Who knows! Show me the next one.