JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM Finally, a live-action Dinosaur Comics!

An upbeat mix of weaponized nostalgia, product placement, Chris Pratt 2.0, CGI monsters, and light misogyny, 2015’s Jurassic World delivered everything modern moviegoers demand! Thus it became the fifth-highest grossing movie of all time, which means you are legally obligated to see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, in which the dinosaurs are so goofy that I swear to god they get THIS CLOSE to talking. All of cinema will be for naught if the next one of these doesn’t give a velociraptor a heartfelt monologue. (“WASSSS ONLEEE IN KITCHENNNN BECAUSSSSSE WANNNTED ICE CREEEEEAM”)

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom contains zero fallen kingdoms (huh), but it does have (1) an exploding volcano (timely!), (2) an amped-up, ’roided-out super raptor (okay), and (3) Jeff Goldblum! (Please note: Jeff Goldblum is in this film for four seconds. A severed arm gets more screen time.)

This is a movie bursting with bugfuck shitbird INSANE ideas (some might call them “bad ideas,” or “ideas so stupid even a small child would cruelly mock you for having them”), but to its credit, it commits to all of them. Here is a list of things in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom that you will think I am making up to fuck with you, but I assure you, I am not: A Scooby Doo mansion full of seeeeecrets! Multiple baby dinosaurs engaging in multiple cuddling scenarios! Evil Russians buying weaponized dinosaurs! (Timely!) Elder abuse! A jailbreak that relies on a head-butting Pachycephalosaurus?? Murrrrderrrrrr. A Trump-quoting mercenary who collects dinosaur teeth... so he can make himself a pretty necklace! A CLONE?!?!?! Look, usually blockbusters and sequels to blockbusters and blockbuster reboots and sequels to blockbuster reboots are just bland, but Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom fucking GOES FOR IT. I am not sure what “it” is—but it has been gotten! The fuck is this? Who knows! Show me the next one.