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Ride the Lightning!
It,s the end of the world as we know it—and nobody feels fine. But what better way to go than with a front-row view of the mushroom clouds as nuclear missiles explode up and down the coast? Obviously, this is best achieved by being on a rooftop. In the ’50s they taught students to hide under their desks and “duck and cover” to escape a nuclear blast, but since most Cold War bunkers are a thing of the past, it’s far superior to simply embrace your doom and party from the roof.
Since none of us know what our exact location may be at the moment of impact, I’ve devised a foolproof guide to the best balconies where one can get super drunk, enjoy an exquisite last meal, and take in the coming nuclear holocaust.
10 Barrel Brewing
1411 NW Flanders
Located in the heart of the Pearl, 10 Barrel’s wooden rooftop patio boasts a party atmosphere that could be the best place for your final bites. Don’t miss the Sinister Black BBQ wings ($10-$16) or nachos topped with steak and gorgonzola ($14) when you get the munchies. It’s unclear whether the industrial-sized steel tanks of beer will endure the blast, but a wide selection of brews on tap will help you maintain a positive post-apocalyptic vibe.
525 SW Morrison
Located on the top floor of the Nines Hotel, this swanky place will usher you to your doom in style. The transparent glass border won’t save you from nuclear death, but food from Chef Gregory Gourdet will provide all the life you need. Order up the Anago Beef Roll ($17) featuring quality marinated tenderloin, avocado, cucumber, and tsume. Or try the Steamed Short Rib Bun ($11), topped with kimchi and Korean miso.
Portland City Grill
111 SW 5th, 30th Floor
The view from inside the restaurant looks out over Portland’s bridges and the Willamette. And in case of underwater atomic explosions, being up on the 30th floor could be your safest bet. With less exposure to fallout, you can really enjoy an Angus Delmonico Boneless Rib Eye ($59) while surrounded by the rich mahogany of PCG’s walls. Sure, the price point is a tad high—but after all, you can’t take it with you.
1570 NW 22nd
Their brand new location in Slabtown has the perfect seasonal Passionfruit Sour Ale for a summer apocalypse. In such times of uncertainty, at least we can rely on two things: Breakside’s excellent brew, and the opening of their new rooftop beer garden which is scheduled to open on June 8. Despite being the end of the world, they know how to start the summer off right.
203 NW 3rd
This secret getaway would make the perfect low-key shelter from the mushroom cloud. The historic building was originally built as a refuge for sailors in 1881, and was restored in 2003 while maintaining its 1940s aesthetic. Order wine or an espresso from the lobby’s cafe and take it along for the ride as you await the blast on the Society Hotel’s charming rooftop.
Altabira City Tavern
1021 NE Grand, #600
This place is notorious for its surprisingly good happy hours, as well as some impeccable food, like pizza with forest mushrooms, roasted garlic, pecorino cheese, and truffle oil. Pair it with the breathtaking view, and you’re ready for anything Putin or North Korea can throw at you.