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The Best Summertime Rooftops for Mushroom Cloud Viewing
Sharon “The Afrovivalist” Ross is Prepared for the Worst. Why Aren’t You?
Last Supper’s Last Supper
The Most Decadent Shit to Eat This Summer Since We’re All Going to Die Anyway
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Why Should Kids Get to Have All the Fun?
Keeping Cool with Booze
How to Eat, Slurp, and Lick your Alcohol
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In Praise of the Summertime Shame Drink
The Time Has Come for Pleasurable Consumption Without Apology
Portland Finally Has a Mountain Bike Park
It’s Sandwiched Between Two Freeways, and It’s Probably Just the Beginning
Comics Artist, Cyclist, Activist
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Ride the Lightning!
Never before have I pondered the actual title of my food column: Last Supper. Because it never is. There are always more suppers to be had. At least, there were, until this summer, when it seems we can’t go a goddamn day without another sign of the impending apocalypse.
Since this summer may be our very last, if our arteries don’t have to withstand the load of carrying us through to our old age, let us eat cake. And steak. And drink like there’s no tomorrow—because there might not be.
Consider this your bucket list of decadence.
Fried Chicken, Jo Jos and Whiskey, Reel ’M Inn
Reel ’M Inn is dark inside and decidedly dated, a place where, with the help of a few shots of well whiskey, you can pretend it’s still the Obama administration. That fried chicken and those ginormous jo jos are going to add some padding to soften the blow when you have to go back outside. 2430 SE Division, 231-3880
Foie Gras Profiteroles, Le Pigeon
Delicate puffs with foie gras ice cream, topped with caramel sauce and sea salt ($16). They’re always on the menu because they’re so damn good. 738 E Burnside, lepigeon.com
Clam Chowder with Bone Marrow, Ox
One of their most iconic dishes, creamy chowder with fresh clams goes nuclear with the addition of a smoked marrow bone and a pop of jalapeño ($16). 2225 NE MLK, oxpdx.com
Chicken Fried “Steak,” Vita Café
Just because it’s vegan doesn’t mean eating it every day wouldn’t kill you. Batter-dipped fried organic tempeh ($10) is smothered with almond gravy for a plant-based comfort food that goes down smooth with a Bloody Mary. 3023 NE Alberta, vita-cafe.com
151 Swizzle, Hale Pele
If you just can’t take it anymore, try blacking out. The 151 Swizzle ($12)—a cauldron of overproof rum, falernum, and lime—at my favorite bar will help you on your way. (Just make sure you get home safe.) 2733 NE Broadway, halepele.com
The Cheesus, Grilled Cheese Grill
There’s something obscene about this famous burger ($8.50), which replaces the bun with two grilled cheese sandwiches. Honestly, I’ve always been afraid to order it, but now that nothing matters any more, I’m gonna add bacon. SW 10th and Alder, NE 11th and Alberta, grilledcheesegrill.com
Pastrami zombie, Pastrami Zombie
When I die, bury me with brisket. The namesake sandwich at Pastrami Zombie ($12) has a fat pile of house-cured brisket served on rye, and is just about as perfect as you can find. 5429 NE 42nd, pastramizombie.com
Dinner, Fogo de Chao
Put the full churrasco experience on the credit card since no one is going to be collecting. For $52.95, you’ll be handed a card with a green side and a red side. When flipped to green, an endless stream of South American steak will appear at your table. Don’t flip to red until you pass out. 930 SW 6th, fogodechao.com
Vegan Frito Pie, Vegan Alcoholic Root Beer Float, Ground Kontrol
Ground Kontrol just expanded, which is perfect since it serves up the kind of mindless distraction we all need. This delightfully vegetarian- and vegan-friendly arcade has a whole menu designed to keep you fat and happy (especially after you add a shot to that root beer float). 511 NW Couch, groundkontrol.com
Suckling Iberico Pig, Chesa
If you want to go for optimal decadence, get to Chesa early to get one of the few suckling pig dishes ($59) they make Thursday through Sunday. It’s a young milk-fed pig from Spain, cured lightly with salt, sugar, and sweet pimenton, confit in pork fat overnight, finished in their Combi steam oven until very crisp. For maximum fuck-it-ness, eat a churro from 180 on the way out. 2218 NE Broadway, chesapdx.com
The Ice Cream Sandwich Experience, What’s the Scoop
What’s a little lactose intolerance to stop the party? This $8.50 sundae has two housemade cookies cut into wedges and served with a scoop of ice cream topped with toasted marshmallow. Then comes the hot fudge, honey caramel, and magic dust, ’cause duh. 3540 N Williams, 0664 SW Gaines, whatsthescooppdx.com