Are you possibly the WORST PERSON IN PORTLAND or suspect you might be? Here's one way of finding out: Compare yourself with this Willamette Week contributor who wrote a defensively loathsome piece about living in the similarly loathsome Burnside 26 complex:

But what in the hell do you expect people like me to feel bad about? Liking new, modern apartment buildings? Earning more than minimum wage? Choosing to spend my money on housing and food instead of bars, clothes and trips? Not wanting kids or a house? Preferring to live and work in a small space?

...We understand that this kind of service doesn’t come cheap, but we’re willing to pay. Not with our alleged trust fund, but with money earned from work earned thanks to skills we’ve spent almost half our lives working on. Should we feel bad about this, too?

My home is pretty rad. Sorry yours isn’t worth talking and making videos about.

Now you may be thinking, "Waitasecond... I am WAY worse than this." And maybe you are! So why not cash in on your terribleness by entering the "Worst Person in Portland" essay contest—in which the winner will take home (possibly to Burnside 26!) a whopping $300!

Here are the rules:

• Simply write a TRUE first-person essay—no more than 500 words—explaining why YOU are the worst person in Portland. Provide examples, stories, and change the names of any bystanders or businesses to protect the innocent and guilty.

NO, you do NOT have to use your real name! That way you can be completely honest, without getting your life completely ruined. (You do have to share your real name with us eventually, though, so you can get your money. WE SWEAR WE'LL NEVER EXPOSE YOUR AWFUL TRUE IDENTITY.)

• Entries will be judged on how interesting your story is, and how well you tell it. (Obviously using any hate language or super creepy stuff will result in immediate disqualification, as well as pretending to be someone else. This is supposed to be fun, folks.)

• Slap a pseudonym on it, and send your 500-word essay to by THURSDAY, JUNE 4. If you win, we'll email you back and you'll get a nice fat check for $300! And the top entries will be featured in a future issue of the Mercury! OH BOY!

Luke & Jess: Are you worse than them? PROBABLY!
  • "Luke & Jess": Are you worse than them? PROBABLY!