Browser games have come a long way since the days of throwing penguins across flash-animated landscapes when you're supposed to be doing "word processing" exercises... those were the days, right, folks? I spent most of my browser-game time last year absolutely losing my shit over Candy Box 2, the surprisingly complex ASCii-based candy-farming and battle simulator. That was my loss, and not just because I got so mad when I lost my save game that I threw something very expensive very far... but also because I've been missing out on the latest Twine games. Also I somehow missed that Ke$ha drinks blood now. Did you guys know that?

Twine games are sort of modern "choose your own adventure" books or text adventure games, which can be made pretty simply and shared easily as browser games. Of course, that means there are lots of them, and some of them are amazing. Here is my very favorite:

CRY$TAL WARRIOR KE$HA. You're Ke$ha, and you're dropping lyrical genius at a crowded concert... and something goes wrong. Fortunately you have glitter powers and a kickass van called "Vagina Jungle," and you are ready to rock this thing. Who wouldn't want to spend a free five minutes being Ke$ha? NO ONE.

CRY$TAL WARRIOR KE$HA: just another day at the office
  • CRY$TAL WARRIOR KE$HA Just another day at the office.

The game only takes a few minutes to play through, and it is recommended that you put Ke$ha's "Warrior" on repeat as you do so. Enjoy! And if you're looking for more (though with, sadly, less Ke$ha), check out Sacrilege, a dating sim. This is another quick text-based game that, to quote the developer, "explores heterosexual dating dynamics" through a pretty intense story set at a dance club.