Hey Star Trek fans! Go grab a clean pair of underpants, because you’re about to need them. Here is an actual working Star Trek phaser in action. True, this model can only kill balloons, but I bet it could give some green ass alien a nasty cigarette burn!

Oh, the havoc I could wreak with this in the office! C’mere, Nerd—so I can slap that baby out of your tubby hand!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=7S71mPJ0F0Q%26hl%3Den_US%26fs%3D1%26

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)