True, fire can be scary; flames engulfing a loved one, melting their skin like butter, and burning their hair as if it were dry wheat. But, face it, fire can also be fun, fun, FUN! It’s all a matter of perspective. Here’s a few ways to enjoy fire:
[The Portland Mercury takes absolutely no responsibility if you actually try to do any of the clearly stupid and dangerous things that follow.—Mercury Legal Department]
Poor Man Stuntman—Douse your hands with rubbing alcohol. (Careful! Don’t let any splash onto your polyester shirt!) With the rubbing alcohol still wet, light it on fire. Your hands will blaze like a human torch and amaze your friends. Technically, your skin should not burn up as the rubbing alcohol burns off! (But just in case, keep a bucket of cold water on hand; too much rubbing alcohol could intensify the heat and ignite your flesh. Ouch! Not fun!)
Rolling a Burning Tire—The name says it all. Soak an abandoned tire in gasoline, then find a hill, preferably with an enemy’s lawn or a Wal-Mart at the bottom. Ignite the tire and let it go! Everybody appreciates a good joke!
“Satan Ball”—This eye-popping trick works best with wooden matches. Remove the heads from about 100 matches, and after making a small slit in a tennis ball, stuff the decapitated match heads inside. Now, with all your might, throw the ball against a brick wall and watch it poof like a flaming comet striking the earth. (Wear armor and safety glasses for this one.)
Aerosol Cans—A pyromaniac’s best friend: Yes, igniting the spray emitted from most aerosol cans produces a mini-flame thrower. But once the can runs out of juice, the game is not over. Instead, toss the empty canister into a wastebasket and set the garbage on fire. When the heat intensifies enough, the can will explode with a resounding boom. Watch your unexpecting friends jump [and potentially die when the can’s shrapnel enters their frontal lobes.—Mercury Legal Department]!
Flaming Shots—Fun for both fraternity boys and thrill seekers. But, careful, don’t spill it on yourself! A burning crotch ends the fun for you and future generations.
Burning Ants—Fire can also be educational. Since the time of cave men, this neat trick has been a marvel to budding scientific minds. Find an ant and crush its hindquarters so that it cannot make a getaway. Hold a magnifying glass about a foot above the struggling insect. Move the magnifying glass up and down until the beam of sunlight focuses into a small point. In about a minute (depending on the sun’s intensity), the ant should begin to smolder and then burst into giant flames! [While technically not illegal, we think the person who does this should also burn—in hell for all of eternity.—Mercury Legal Department]