I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD and trick or treating when a werewolf jumped
out of a leaf pile and made me cry. The werewolf later
apologized—but the damage was done. This repentant lycanthrope is
the closest I dared come to a Portland haunted house… that is, until
now. This year things were going to be different, I told myself. I
would explore every haunted house I could and finally experience the
blood-curdling horror I’d been missing.

FRIGHTOWN

My first stop on my haunted house tour spoiled me pretty bad.
FrightTown has the benefit of truckloads of money, a whole city block
to work with, and three legit haunts inside: The Chop Shop, Elshoff
Manor, and Baron Von Goolo’s Museum of Horrors.

For my money, Elshoff is the best haunted house in Portland this
year. The rhythm is just right: a slow build from unnerving quiet to a
frantic dash past hordes of monsters. I don’t care how stoic you are;
when a masked man on stilts chases you down a hallway, you run.

Von Goolo’s is a change of pace—more museum than haunt. Though
shit jumps out at you, you’re free to amble around taking in the design
and craft, which is uniformly awesome. Where else could I touch the
mouth protruding from a man’s stomach and sing TLC’s “Waterfalls” with
a dwarf? Very few places!

As for Chop Shop, it’s a well-done spin on the standard haunt:
spooky auto repair joint. Though the rhythm isn’t as tight as
Elshoff’s, it’s all beautifully constructed. Maybe it went so fast
because we were the last people to leave after a long night. For
example, someone (possibly an annoyed employee?) was breathing down my
neck the whole way, yelling, “We’ve got to get out of here!”

Memorial Coliseum, 300 N Winning Way, Fri-Sat 7-11 pm, Sun-Thurs
7-10 pm, $20, through Nov 1

5/5 pentagrams

13TH DOOR

This Beaverton haunt is inside an old Thriftway, which was
unsettlingly delightful. Though the spaces are uniformly small and
dark, I entered alone, feeling far too chipper for the occasion.
Thankfully, the glowering actors dampened my spirits to a level more
appropriate for a murder victim. After all, what’s more unsettling than
saying “Excuse me” to hordes of silent, glaring teenage zombies? There
are two spots here that really made an impression: The first is a
checker-tiled bathroom with a strobe light that actually made me feel
like I was going to pass out. I told a ghoul I was getting dizzy and
bashed my shin on a toilet, leaving a raspberry-colored bruise. The
second is a pitch-black maze that’s more annoying than scary. Feeling
along the wall didn’t do anything until I stepped on an actor’s foot.
Eventually I found my way out to the delicious concession stand.
Goodbye fear, hello diabetes.

8805 SW Canyon, Beaverton, Fri-Sat 7-midnight, Sun-Thurs 7-10 pm,
through Nov 1, $15-25

3/5 pentagrams

SCREAM AT THE BEACH

Christ, this was awful. First you wait for your group number to be
called in the “Halloween Town” mall—which is great if you want
temporary tattoos, pretzels, or a headache. Then, once you’ve decided
you’re too old for this shit, they usher you in like cattle on a
conveyor belt to the worst haunted house ever. Since each group
consists of about 100 people, it feels like a school trip with
strangers. My group was full of teenagers on dates and a very nice man
recently released from prison for public masturbation (a hooker framed
him—so, you know…). Once assembled, a slow march begins through
understaffed rooms of volunteers jumping out of things. Since drunken
strangers constantly surround (and sometimes touch) you, it’s hard to
feel very vulnerable to anything new that pops up. I should note there
is a clown area that’s nightmarish for some of the right reasons. Also,
serving as portals between each area are inflatable fabric butts that
you must blindly squeeze through in order to escape. Sometimes it’s so
crowded that you get stuck inside a butt with people touching you.
Look, I want a haunted house—not Ron Jeremy’s Club Sesso.

1772 Jantzen Beach Center, Fri-Sat 7-11 pm, Sun-Thurs 7-10
pm,

through Oct 31, $20

1/5 pentagrams

ALICE’S DARK WONDERLAND/VII DEADLY SINS

On the list of all the things I like, boobs and haunted houses are
neck and neck—so I was psyched for Darkest Dreams’ 18+ haunt, VII
Deadly Sins. What a buzz stomper to discover that VII is neither erotic
nor scary, but (like most of my relationships) just a gross and hollow
experience. I suppose forced penetration and vagina-chainsaw assault
are fresh and shocking to some, but if you’re familiar with the movies
Saw and Seven, then there’s not much here to surprise
you. My reactions were less “Oh! How shocking” and more “Aww, you
didn’t have to do that.” “Aww, you didn’t have to rape that man in a
diaper.” “Aww, you didn’t have to tell me to ‘fuck my boy-pussy.'”
Etc.

The all-ages counterpart, Alice’s Dark Wonderland, fares a little
better. It’s not really scary, but the puppets are accomplished and the
acting is gung-ho. Coming face to face with the dish-throwing cook and
the homicidal white rabbit is good for a giggle, but everything suffers
from the fact that Lewis Carroll’s book has been twisted so many times
that Dark Wonderland only suffers in comparison.

Darkest Dreams’ real downfall is that both houses are short and
expensive. For $30 you can visit both haunts as well as the Lust Lounge
bar with fire dancers, but both Alice and VII take about six minutes
each, so maybe there are some movies you’d rather rent.

1434 NW 17th, Thurs-Sat 7-10 pm, Sun 6-9 pm, $10 for Alice (all
ages), $20 for VII (18+), Lust Lounge (21+) is free until Oct 25, $10
from Oct 29-31

Alice 2.5/5 pentagrams

VII Deadly Sins 2/5 pentagrams

FIELD OF SCREAMS

Oh fuck yeah. Stumbling through the muck and mist at the Field of
Screams on Sauvie Island is a blast. The line to get into the corn maze
is really long (if you’re going with 15+ people you might want to make
a reservation), but that’s because when they let you in, you’re
practically on your own. Wolves and pigs jump out of the corn and sniff
you. Scarecrows shake tambourines. There are scary old men trapped in
outhouses. All of these things are much scarier than they sound when
you’re alone in the corn—truly nature’s most sinister crop. At
$10 the price is right and when you leave the maze you can buy fresh
vegetables and salsa. This haunted farm experience will make you fall
in love and shit your pants all in one evening.

The Maize at the Pumpkin Patch, 16511 NW Gillihan, Fri-Sun 7-10
pm, through Oct 31, $10

4.5/5 pentagrams

NOT INCLUDED: Salem’s Nightmare Factory is supposedly pretty
good, but they weren’t open in time for inclusion in this article. But
that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go.

999 Locust Street NE, Salem, Fri-Sat 7-11 pm, Sun-Thurs 7-10 pm,
through Oct 31, $8-12, nightmarefactorysalem.com for
days