13.7 Billion Years Ago—Steven Seagal roundhouse kicks some super-dense matter; causes Big Bang
65 Million Years Ago—Steven Seagal, claiming to be “sick of their bullshit,” kills all dinosaurs, one by one
2580 B.C.—Bored one afternoon, Steven Seagal builds the pyramids
776 B.C.—Steven Seagal invents Olympic Games and is sole competitor—wins gold in everything except curling, wins silver
500 B.C.—Steven Seagal enlightens Siddhartha
470-399 B.C.—Steven Seagal spreads his philosophical writings, using the pseudonym “Socrates.” On a related note, hemlock only makes Seagal stronger
36—Steven Seagal crucifies Jesus, then brings him back to life
610—Steven Seagal and Muhammad “brainstorm,” create Islam
1368—Bored once more, Steven Seagal builds Great Wall of China
1416—Steven Seagal invents the sonnet; 200 years later, kills “that hack” Shakespeare
1865—Steven Seagal assassinates Abraham Lincoln, frames John Wilkes Booth. Why? John Wilkes Booth talks the talk; Steven Seagal walks the walk
1920—Steven Seagal creates Negro Baseball League
1945—Steven Seagal destroys Hiroshima after being served egg foo yung instead of pot stickers at local delicatessen
1969—Steven Seagal jumps to the moon, proclaiming it “one small step for Steven Seagal”—which it is
1984—Steven Seagal creates popular television series Miami Vice
1996—Steven Seagal creates popular television series Nash Bridges
2028—Steven Seagal makes contact with peaceful alien life
2028 ½ —Steven Seagal ruthlessly destroys all alien life
2047—Earth is renamed “Steven Seagal”; peace reigns for 7,000 years
9047—Steven Seagal makes Under Siege 3: Even Darker Territory
