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To counter Idahos new anti-abortion legislation, Planned Parenthood plans to locate a clinic on the Oregon-Idaho border.
To counter Idaho's new anti-abortion legislation, Planned Parenthood plans to locate a clinic on the Oregon-Idaho border. Michael B. Thomas / Getty News

GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Who's up for some more fucking hail, mixed with sunshine, heat, freezing weather, and god knows what else? That's what's known as "strong April energy!" Now let's dip into some NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• What's it like to work in Portland City Hall for six years, particularly under the divisive rule of Mayor Ted Wheeler? Find out in this Alex Zielinski exit interview with Wheeler's most veteran staffer, Seraphie Allen. (Which occasionally gets VERY spicy!)

• Thanks to Idaho's recent bullshit anti-abortion legislation—that bans the medical procedure after six weeks of pregnancy and allows family members to sue abortion providers—a new Planned Parenthood will be located on the Oregon-Idaho border... about an hour's drive from Boise. Check and mate, buttholes.

• Portland transportation officials want to get control of traffic in the Lloyd neighborhood during big events at the Moda Center and other locations, while also incentivizing public transit use. So how are they gonna do that? By raising parking prices—like by a lot. Our Isabella Garcia has more.

• I'm with Multnomah County on this one: "Multnomah County moves to ban for-profit displays of human remains after body dissection at Portland hotel."

IN NATIONAL/INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

• Ukraine is claiming responsibility for the sinking of a major Russian warship in the Black Sea, while Russia is saying it was an onboard accident (which no one really believes).

• Twitter brass and employees alike are worried about a possible hostile corporate takeover by billionaire Elon Musk—and for good reason, because nobody quite knows what mischief he would cause.

• One of the domestic terrorists who helped attack the nation's capitol on January 6 was found guilty of all six charges leveled against him... even though he tried to blame his actions on Trump. (Hee-hee-hee.)

• Crybaby Republicans are crying again: The Republican National Committee has voted unanimously to withdraw from the Commission on Presidential Debates—which organizes all presidential debates before general elections—because, "WAHHHH! Them am mean and unfair to us!"

• The FDA has approved the first-ever COVID breath test machine which can be used by medical providers to get results in three minutes.

• AHOY THERE, STONERS! The SPLIFF Film Festival—featuring short, hilarious, trippy, and thoughtful mini-movies about cannabis and made by stoners just like YOU—is coming to Revolution Hall for one night only on Saturday, April 16! GET THOSE TICKETS NOW! (And speaking of the munchies, your favorite week of the year is almost here: It's the Mercury's PIZZA WEEK featuring $3 specialty slices at 28 locations across the Portland area, starting Monday, April 18-24. Eat 'em up!)

• And finally... don't do it... don't do it... DON'T... he did it.