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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! If you love shoving delicious, cheap food in your mouth, it would behoove you to take advantage of the Mercury's absolutely delectable WING WEEK! Twenty-seven of your fave restaurants are cookin' up creative, $6 plates of wings—but ya gotta hurry... it all ends Sunday! Now it would behoove you to read some NEWS. BEHOOVE!


• If you recall, there was a mysterious altercation and police shooting in the Lloyd District on Wednesday afternoon, which according to the cops, involved a Multnomah County Deputy, somebody else, and somebody else who did something else (yes, that's how opaque they were). Well, the Portland Police has begrudgingly revealed that yes, a Deputy shot someone, but the person was not fatally wounded. And yet more mysteries remain. Our Alex Zielinski makes a valiant attempt at deciphering the cops' cryptic, ancient hieroglyphs (in lieu of an actual, understandable press statement).

• Today in "Phil Knight has too much money": The former Nike head honcho, who had previously donated a whopping $3.75 million (!) to the spoiler campaign of loudmouth know-nothing Betsy Johnson has flipped the script and donated $1 million to Republican Christine Drazan's campaign. Why? Because HE FUCKING HATES YOU.

• A jury that just awarded $40 grand to a medic who was assaulted by members of the Portland Police during a 2020 protest has been called into question after it was revealed one of the jury's members works for the city—which could spark a new trial.

• Hey brainy butt! 🤓 We challenge you to take the funnest trivia quiz in town, POP QUIZ PDX! Answer quizzy Qs about Portland's "whitest city" status, Mingus Mapp's poopy charter reform plan, and a certain soccer owner who should be FIRED! (Guess who?) 

• OH, and speaking of doing what's necessary to support women's soccer in Portland, why not catch a game this weekend featuring the #8 ranked PORTLAND PILOTS (the University of Portland's women's soccer team)? Not only have they remained undefeated for the past 12 games (!!), but they'll be taking on the Pepperdine Waves, there will be Oktoberfest beer and food on site, AND (sorry for burying the lede) there will be WIENER DOG RACES at halftime! Come out and show your support for women's soccer! DEETS HERE.


• Thanks to the wild nuclear threats of a desperate Putin—whose troops are panicking under an onslaught of Ukrainian troops—President Biden issued a stark warning: The risk of nuclear armageddon is at its most dangerous point in 60 years, since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

• IN BETTER BIDEN NEWS: Yesterday President Biden announced he's granting pardons to thousands who have been convicted of cannabis possession under federal law. The pardons will wipe clean the records of those convicted of simple possession between the years of 1992 to 2021, and Biden hinted that his administration will study whether weed should remain a Class 1 drug—the same classification that's been given to heroin.

• To the shock of no one, the Justice Department suspects that confidential document thief, Donald Trump, may have even MORE stolen confidential documents in his possession.

• Here's something the Rock isn't cooking: "Dwayne Johnson says White House bid ‘off the table.’"

• RIP Judy Tenuta—the popular, accordion-playing "Love Goddess" of stand-up comedy in the '80s—who has died at the age of 72.

• And finally... ME, just trying to make it to the weekend.