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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! As we previously warned, the Mercury's heeee-larious Geniuses of Comedy show at Revolution Hall tomorrow has already SOLD OUT. However, perhaps you'll heed our warning this time and get your tickets quick for America's sweetest li'l porn festival, HUMP!, coming at you in early March? Hustle, hustle, tickets are selling very fast. And now, let's hustle up some NEWS!


• Tough journalism news: The Medford Mail Tribune—the largest newspaper in Oregon's Rogue Valley—announced they are completely shutting down this week, after going to online only last September.

• As the WW reported Tuesday, Wheeler adviser Sam Adams abruptly resigned his job (of offering terrible ideas) due to health concerns... though the unusual speediness of the departure—his last day is TODAY—has lots of us reporter folks wondering if there's something more to his resignation than he's letting on. (After all, he's no stranger to hiding the truth.)

• A Salem man has been sentenced to 26 years in prison for driving drunk into a homeless encampment, killing four and severely injuring two others.

• New Multnomah County Chair Jessica Vega Pederson says she will be launching an investigation into the Multnomah County Animal Services division, which workers say has been having trouble supplying basic care for their animals.

•  COOL JOB ALERT! The Mercury is looking for a talented news reporter to join our team. Could you (or someone you know) be that person? Check out our job listing and spread the word!  


• Good news for squealing Republicans: "Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location." (This time in the president's garage at his Delaware home.) While the White House is saying it was a small number of documents, that makes absolutely no difference to people who can't tell the difference between a probable goof-up and a serial criminal.

• Better news for Biden: Inflation has continued to simmer down for the sixth month in a row, and experts are saying that the Federal Reserve’s interest rate increases are helping the situation. (Eggs are still super expensive, though!)

• Today in Republicans tackling problems that will deeply affect peoples' lives: "Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders bans term 'Latinx' on her first day in office."

• Self-proclaimed genius (and world's worst boss) Elon Musk has found his way into the Guinness Book of World records for... *squints*... losing the largest amount of money by one person in the history of the world. SLOW... CLAP!

• Related, I bet: Some of Twitter's offices overseas are set to close after the genius billionaire refused or was unable to pay rent, and at the company's headquarters in Asia, landlords were reportedly "walking employees out of the building."

• And finally... if you're anything like me, this is probably how your Thursday will feel.