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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND!  Whoopee-doo, get ready for a mostly dry week with partly sunny skies and highs in the mid-to-upper 40s! Now let's drop in on some occasional whoopee-doo NEWS.


• Sad news for Oregon basketball fans: Legendary Blazer announcer Bill Schonely—who coined the name "Rip City"—passed away at the age of 93 on Saturday.

• A story that made Portlanders lose their GOT-DAMNED MINDS this weekend: During the Rose City Dog Show, a thief absconded with a van carrying four show dogs—three Scottish terriers and one cairn terrier—and a frantic citywide dog hunt was quickly underway! Happily, all the pooches were safely recovered after the thief abandoned the van and a good samaritan alerted the cops. Moral of the tale? In Portland, DO NOT FUCK WITH DOGS!

• The Oregonian isn't exactly known for their thoughtful columnists, but their decision to regularly spotlight local advocate and smarty-pants Candace Avalos was right on the money. Check out her newest clear-eyed piece which recounts the wins Oregon progressives made last year, and what we need to do to face the challenges ahead.

• Oregon lawmakers are considering a bill to outlaw...*double take*... “unlawful kangaroo exchange?” This is news to me, but apparently kangaroo skin is used to make soccer cleats—yes, even those made by Nike—which are sold by the bushel here in Oregon. (Warning: This story contains an unnecessary number of kangaroo puns. 🦘🙁)


• Another senseless gun tragedy: Ten people (reportedly all of Asian descent) were murdered and at least 10 others were injured by a gunman following a Lunar New Year event at a dance studio in Monterey Park, California on Saturday night. According to authorities, the suspect—72-year-old Huu Can Tran—shot and killed himself after being tracked down and stopped by police. 

• The only positive news from this sad story: A 26-year-old man wrestled the gun away from Tran when the suspected murderer entered yet another dance studio 20 minutes after killing 10 people, saving countless more lives.

•  Pro-abortion activists across the nation marched in dozens of cities yesterday on the 50th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, demonstrating against the Supreme Court and hypocritical Republicans who continue to put people's lives in danger while stripping away fundamental rights. Veep Kamala Harris joined the fray in Tallahassee, Florida, where she implored marchers to stay strong and keep fighting, because “we are on the right side of history.”

• Spotify is the latest big tech company to make mass layoffs; they're getting rid of 6 percent of their workforce, which translates to roughly 600 people.

• I love Maya Rudolph! And yet... what?

• And finally... first thing on my to-do list for this week? CALL ME A HUSBAND!