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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I know it's a weeee bit early... but you're already thirsty for a delicious cocktail, yes? Well, lucky you, the Mercury's HIGHBALL WEEK begins TODAY, in which the city's best barkeeps stir up inventive one-of-a-kind cocktails all week long, and they're only $8 each, and... wait... what's that? NONE OF THE BARS ARE OPEN THIS EARLY? Fine, I suppose we can wait for a few hours. In the meantime, read this NEWS!


β€’ In this spotlight by the O's Shane Kavanaugh, Mayor Wheeler still somehow feels confident that he is "made for this moment" of eradicating homeless camping in Portland, as he promised to do so when he ran for mayor seven year ago. But as the article states, he "utterly failed" and while Wheeler may be exuding confidence... ummm... he's the only one.

β€’ The headline pretty much says it all about one part of Wheeler's plan: "Nearly 90% of homeless Portlanders swept from encampments are back on streets; just 1% got permanent housing." Sweeps don't work. And once again, for Commissioner Rene Gonzalez in the back, neither does taking away people's tents in the dead of winter.

β€’ While Portland's police union do all they can to squirm out of wearing body cams as a method of accountability, across the river in Vancouver, Washington, their cops will begin wearing them this week.

β€’ Congrats to the Blazers' Damian Lillard who, on his third attempt at the competition, won the NBA's 3-point contest on Saturday night! And in other good Dame news...

β€’ If you've ever wanted to see a giant Pacific octopus in the wild, have you checked the tide pools? The US Department of the Interior has video of one swimming merrily along in a tide pool on Oregon coast's Yaquina Head which is super cool, AND it changes colors! Nature! Science! Fuck yah!


β€’ In an unprecedented move, "Sneaky" Joe Biden snuck into Kyiv for a secret, surprise meeting with Ukraine's Volodymyr Zelenskyy to voice the nation's continuing military and financial commitment, and make a vow: "Americans stand with you and the world stands with you." The country is entering into its second year of its war against Putin's forces.

β€’ Meanwhile Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Asshole) blasted Biden for his surprise trip to Ukraine, calling for his impeachment. (How many calls for impeachment has there been so far? I've legitimately lost count.)

β€’ Former President Jimmy Carter at the age of 98, and after recently visiting the hospital numerous times, has chosen to enter hospice care and will forgo any additional medical intervention so he can spend his remaining days with his family.Β 

β€’ In case word hasn't trickled down to your boss, working from home is still very much a "thing," with 30 percent of the nation's employees doing remote work, and in major cities that number rises to almost half the workforce.

β€’ And finally... I had no idea Joe Biden was such a fan of Young Sheldon.