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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! If you need a bit more EVIL in your life (the fun kind), then don't miss the debut of the most hilariously eeeevil live comedy game show ever, "TWO EVILS" with Mercury Geniuses of Comedy Arlo Weierhauser and Kate Murphy! Arlo and Kate will pit the audience against a special guest comedian contestant, and yes, prizes will be given! It's this Thursday, May 4 at the Siren Theater, so get those tickets here! And while you're at it, get that NEWS here!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Happy May Day to all workers and unions—except for the Portland Police Association which is not a worker's union and exists only to support big business and institutional racism. 👋 

• Governor Tina Kotek has launched dual investigations into the revelations that Secretary of State Shemia Fagan was doing some moonlight consulting for an embattled weed company at the same time her office was prepping an audit suggesting the state should ease up on regulations for the cannabis industry. Kotek investigation number one: Ordering the Oregon Government Ethics Commission to look at Fagan's actions to see if she was doing anything snakey. Investigation two: Asking the DOJ to check the audit to see if Fagan's office did anything snakey. While Fagan has so far refused to share the consulting contract she had with the company (seems a bit snakey), she has denied any snakiness, and is seemingly welcoming both investigations. (Apologies to snakes for my liberal use of the word "snakey.")

• Speaking of snakey behavior, the Columbia County Republican Central Committee made a lot of money for their icky candidates by auctioning off bottles of the rare (and almost certainly overrated) Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, and... heyyyyyyy. Isn't that the same bourbon that mysteriously disappeared into the coat pockets of OLCC executives? I WONDER IF THE TWO INCIDENTS ARE CONNECTED? 🐍

• Reminder that Multnomah County DA Mike Schmidt, along with city and county officials, are announcing their big plan today to crack down on car and retail thieves. It's presumed that along with increased law enforcement, more deputy district attorney and investigator positions will be added to actually prosecute the crimes. (Hopefully nobody steals the car Schmidt is using to get to the press conference.)

• COVID-19: Yup, it's still around and cases are expected to increase three-fold in Oregon this coming June—though the predicted bump will get nowhere close to levels attained during the dark days of 2021.

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Today in bank implosions: Federal regulators have seized the ailing First Republic Bank and sold all branches to JP Morgan Chase so depositors will still have access to their funds. (That's the third major bank to collapse this year, for those keeping track of the eventual demise of out-of-control capitalism.)

• Speaking of what results from unfettered capitalism, it's MAY DAY—the international holiday celebrating workers and their ongoing efforts to be treated fairly by the wealthy buttholes who line their own pockets at the expense of employees. Learn more by visiting your local library or reading this informative article about the holiday.

• Keep your eye on this one: The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case which could significantly scale back the authority of federal agencies which use these powers to protect Americans from the whims of corporations who have no qualms about destroying the environment or skirting rules handed down by the FDA or CDC. (For an example, see "out-of-control capitalism" above.)

• The Texas suspect who used an AR-15 to kill five neighbors after someone claimed his recreational gunfire was keeping their baby awake has apparently escaped law enforcement—who say they have "zero leads"— and is on the lam. 

• Trump's lawyer is calling for a mistrial in the rape case of writer E. Jean Carroll, claiming that the judge is not allowing him to act like a toxic male asshole in court. (My almost certainly accurate characterization... not his.)

• And finally... hope you're riding through the week like this.