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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Let the bells ring and confetti fall, its the most delicious time of year! The Mercury's BURGER WEEK starts TODAY, and continues through Sun Aug 27 with more scrumptious, creative $8 burgers than ever at a whopping 81 locations! RIP your stomach... but what a way to go! Similarly, you can also go out in style by reading today's NEWS.


• Mayor Wheeler has issued a public apology to former Commissioner Jo Ann Hardesty who sued the city for the cops involvement in spreading a lie that she was the cause of a hit-and-run accident (SHE WAS MOST CERTAINLY NOT). Hardesty's settlement included the apology and a payout of $5,000. Note that her suit against the Portland Police Association (the union for the rank-and-file cops) as well as the primary lie spreaders is still pending. Our Courtney Vaughn has all the details!

• It appears that the 13-person Independent District Commission (which is charged with drawing a new district map to carry out voter-approved charter reform) have potentially decided on which of the four proposed maps we'll be using for the foreseeable future. If the commission approves it in tonight's meeting, we'll be using the "Alder Map"—most recognizable because it pulls the Southeastern Sellwood and Eastmoreland neighborhoods into the west side, so that each district will have roughly the same number of voters. (As a Sellwood resident, I am thrilled to be representing the west side, and using my vote to fuck up the cynical political schemes of all those greedy rich people. CANNOT WAIT! 😎)

• While the former hurricane known as Hilary caused significant problems for those in Southern California, Oregon and Portland will benefit from the increased airflow from the weather system that will blow away most of this damnable wildfire smoke that's been choking the area. 

• After fighting it tooth and nail for close to ten years, Portland Police are pretending to be jubilant that the long-awaited cop body camera program (insisted upon by the DOJ) kicks off this week. Here's the eye-rolling statement from the department:

“This is huge and it’s long overdue,” said police spokesperson Lt. Nathan Sheppard. “It’s going to make it safer for officers, it’s going to make it safer for the public, because everybody’s going to know there is going to be an irrefutable account of what happened.”

🙄 Oh shit... my eyes rolled out of my head and under the couch. Help me find them??

• As always this weekend's Portland Adult Soapbox Derby was a creative blast of fun. Check out pics of some of the most artistic, push-powered art cars in this photo essay!


• The aforementioned former hurricane Hilary (which has since been downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone) smashed into Southern California yesterday bringing with it record-breaking rainfall, floods, and mudslides. It was the first tropical storm to hit the state in 87 years, and because god is such a comedian, the area was also hit by an earthquake that registered 5.1 on the Richter scale (happily no damage or deaths were reported). #Hurriquake... look out for the forthcoming movie from Dwayne Johnson with a special guest appearance by Cocaine Bear. 

• In the first Iowa presidential poll of the season, four-time indicted former prez Donald Trump has taken a commanding lead in the GOP race, leading his closest opponents (DeSantis and Scott) by more than 20 points. Unsurprisingly, his brainwashed, morally corrupt followers cannot compute that he's done anything wrong.

• Meanwhile Trump and his 18 cohorts have a deadline of noon Friday to voluntarily turn themselves in to Georgia officials at the Fulton County Jail for their attempts to overthrow the 2020 election in that state. (Cue his followers to violently look the other way.)

• Congratulations to Spain who has won the 2023 Women's World Cup championships, taking down England with a score of 1-nil. Naturally, controversy ensued almost immediately after the match when Luis Rubiales, the president of the Spanish soccer federation, kissed player Jenni Hermoso on the lips without consent during the celebration. FUCKING GROSS, DUDE!

• And finally... GOOD MORNING!!!