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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Here's your gentle reminder to pick up your hot-shit copy of the Mercury's FALL ARTS GUIDE, which is jam-packed with super interesting and fun things to do this fall, and can be found in 500+ locations all around this grand city that Republicans and their rich local supporters love to shit upon. Yes, it's early in the morning, and I'm already going hard. Wait 'til you see me at noon! In the the meantime, here's some NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• New legislation will require OHSU's Primate Research Center to be a LOT more transparent about what they're doing with all that federal funding, after years of mishaps and animal deaths due to staff negligence. The center has also earned the title of "one of the worst, if not the worst, primate center in the U.S. in terms of violations of the Animal Welfare Act." Our Abe Asher has the details, but here's the quote from this story that made my jaw drop:

...advocates have raised concerns about the day-to-day research being conducted at the center—including a reported study in which researchers gave voles an excessive amount of alcohol to see if they would cheat on their mates. 

• Today in HA-HA-HA: Portland City Council members are reportedly losing their got-damned minds over Mayor Wheeler's plan to take away all of the members' bureau assignments in roughly six weeks in order to "test run" a city administrator running the bureaus, in advance of what will happen following the next city council election. I personally think this is a great idea, since every last one of them is absolutely terrible at their jobs—especially Mapps and Gonzalez. On the other hand, without the bureaus to keep them busy, maybe they'll just sit around thinking of new, creative ways to harass homeless folk and make their rich friends more money? ACK! I'm torn!! 

• After months of back-and-forth debate, Portland Public School board has voted to fire Bryan Chu, who they accuse of insubordination and neglect of duty, though his supporters see him as a "spirited" educator who wasn't afraid to call the district out on alleged racist policies. But the fight isn't over yet: Chu is expected to ask for arbitration—an appeal of the decision to be decided by a member of the Employee Relations Board—which could take up to a year to complete.

• Read this OPB story instead of the Oregonian's version which, as usual for that publication, platforms the opinions of local billionaires over experts, for no other discernible reason other than they have a lot of money:

• Cool laser show alert!

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Attorney General Merrick Garland is testifying today in front of a panel of conspiracy-spouting, lying Republicans who continue to do their damndest to a) help create a new totalitarian government, while simultaneously b) wasting everyone's time? Meanwhile a government shutdown is just around the corner, but by all means let's continue to focus on that nobody, Hunter Biden.

• That missing F-35 stealth fighter jet that was just "gone" for 24 hours has been found at a crash site in rural South Carolina. It's still a mystery why the pilot ejected, and why the jet was able to fly undetected by radar for so long. (This looks like a job for Private First Class Encyclopedia Brown! And I suspect the culprit may be Gunnery Sergeant Bugs Meany! [I'm afraid no one gets Encyclopedia Brown jokes anymore, which makes me sad.]) 

• In any case, get ready to fall in love with this guy:

Somebody hacked Donald Trump Jr.'s Twitter account, and put out the false claims that Daddy Trump was dead and Don Jr. was going to run for president. (Even the reliably gullible Republican conspiracy theorists didn't buy this one.)

• Twitter-ruiner Elon Musk is reportedly considering charging all Twitter users "a small monthly fee" because it's "the only way to stamp out bots." (AKA a last ditch effort to save the company he ruined.) Sounds like a plan, and maybe he should fuck around and find out?

• Today in "Adidas just fuuuuuuucked up BAD": "Kanye ‘didn’t mean what he said’ about Jews, Adidas CEO says." Counterpoint: Yes, he absolutely did.

• And finally... CHAIR SCIENCE!