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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Oh, crap! Christmas is right around the corner, and you don't know what to get for your sexy friends! And yet? Now, you do! Because you're going to get them tickets to the HUMP! film festival—featuring dirty short movies from sexy people just like you—and if you act now, you can get them for cheap, early bird prices! (And you might as well pick up a pair for yourself, right? But hurry, hurry... this show is a guaranteed sell out!) And now, let's pick up on this morning's NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Remember that rash of large store closings last year (such as the downtown REI, Nike, and those tiny Targets) that were supposedly due to an "organized shoplifting crime wave"? Welp, according to the National Retail Federation, those accusations were wildly overblown, and they have retracted their previous claims that shoplifting was behind a whopping $94.5 billion in losses nationally, admitting that they used "faulty data" to arrive at that number, and that shoplifting is actually down in most major cities (except for NYC). So why would these businesses repeat such a claim? Because they would rather lie than admit they don't want to pay taxes that are necessary to support the communities they're profiting from. (Remember that the next time Portland's wealthy conservative class trots out this particular lie, and then remember to never, ever believe the rich.)

• Portland Police, who were responding to an electricity theft call at a warehouse near the airport last Wednesday, have identified the person they fatally shot as 27-year-old Isaac L. Seavey,  It remains unclear what led to the shooting or which officers were involved, because Portland Police have created new rules in which they don't have to reveal the names of these officers or pertinent details while the investigation is still underway. Is this the case in ANY OTHER CIVILIAN SHOOTING? Nope, it is not. That's because different rules apply to them, as opposed to those who pay their salaries. Yes, that IS bullshit, isn't it? (Our Courtney Vaughn has the details.)

• Today is the day when Gov. Kotek's mysterious and secretive task force (made up mostly of business folk with a smattering of regular, non-greedy people) is scheduled to reveal the big plans they've come up with to revitalize Portland's downtown core. Five bucks says one of the primary ideas is to cut taxes for rich people. (Trust me... do NOT take that bet.) UPDATE: The recommendations are out, and ONCE AGAIN I WAS RIGHT. Told ya not to take that bet.

• In case you missed this GROSS news:

• A worrying statistic from OPB: "Over the last three years Oregon has seen a nearly 40% increase in alcohol-related deaths." And the Oregon Health Authority is sending out the alarm to remind folks that having more than 15 drinks per week is considered excessive by the CDC, and besides obvious health problems costs the state "$4.8 billion a year in health care, criminal justice and motor vehicle accidents."

• Time for some fast "Fast Food News": They're gonna build a Popeye's in that abandoned Burger King restaurant on Grand Avenue, while McDonald's is teeing up some caffeinated, sugar bomb competition for Oregon's Dutch Bros. with a concept they're stupidly calling "CosMc's." (Boom. Told ya it would be fast.)

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Former Liar-in-Chief Donald Trump announced that, actually, he won't be testifying in the the civil trial accusing him of committing financial fraud, claiming he has "nothing more to say." (Read: He doesn't want to get caught lying under oath.)

• Russian opposition leader (and constant thorn in the side of Vladimir Putin) Alexey Navalny—who was labeled an extremist for speaking out against the government and poisoned—has somehow gone missing from a penal colony according to his lawyers, which I'm sure has NOTHING to do with Putin's recent announcement he'll be once again running to lead the country.

• On Saturday University of Pennsylvania president Liz Magill resigned from her position and may very well soon be joined by Harvard President Claudine Gay following their joint appearance before a House Committee where they failed to explicitly say that threats, such as the genocide of Jews, would be a violation of their schools’ codes of conduct.

• Related: According to the Anti-Defamation League, antisemitic incidents have soared 337 percent nationwide since Hamas' attack on Israel.

• Looks like we're in for a Barbenheimer winter, with Barbie leading the Golden Globes race with nine nominations, followed by Oppenheimer with eight. 

• And finally... Monday coming at you like this: