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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Do you like fun and/or sex? Then may I suggest snagging tickets to see two of the most funnest and sexiest shows around: the HUMP! film festival (featuring short and absolutely filthy dirty flicks from your friends and neighbors) and the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy (featuring the funniest folks in Portland with special guest Kyle Kinane)! These are two great shows for people who love two great things. And now, here's something people also love... NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• Three local government agencies are chipping in and acting with lightning speed to purchase Southeast Portlands' boutique hotel LoLo Pass and convert it into a 70-bed residential drug and alcohol treatment center. Such establishments are desperately needed for those who are often sent directly back to the streets after being treated at detox centers, but without the support they need to kick addictions. Our Courtney Vaughn has the details.

• Mayor Wheeler and his team of cruel commissioners pushed homeless sweeps into high gear in 2023, running a whopping 5,800 out of their temporary homes in the last part of the year alone. However, they neglected to keep any records of where these people went... though we probably all know, right? (Answer: To some other neighborhood... possibly yours.) Sweeps are for show, and nothing else.

• Last Friday, a door plug panel blew out of an Alaska Airlines Boeing 737-9 Max after taking off from Portland, and while the plane landed safely, several passengers were injured. The panel reportedly hit the ground somewhere in the Beaverton area (in the backyard of someone named "Bob"), hundreds of flights have been canceled, and the Federal Aviation Administration have grounded Boeing's 737-9 Max planes pending inspection and investigation.

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Saturday was the third anniversary of the January 6 domestic terrorist attack on the nation's capitol, and Trump spent the day (try to contain your shock) referring to the terrorists as "hostages"—because that's what happens in upside-down Bizarro world. Meanwhile, former veep Mike Pence is slapping back at his old boss, declaring that Trump's claims about the FBI instigating the January 6 attack are complete horse shit. (My words not his. Oh, and where was Pence's bravery when he was actually Vice President?)

• The east coast has been slammed by a frigid winter storm which included heavy snow and icy rain that stretched all the way down to North Carolina—and if the weather swamis are correct, there are more snow dumps to come this week.

• Despite what you have heard Republicans screaming their fool heads off about:

• Yesterday, congressional leaders reached agreement on a spending package to fund the federal government which could stave off yet another government shutdown scare, while also preserving key social safety net programs that crybaby Republicans have been desperately trying to cut. Expect screaming tantrums and a demand to kick out current House Speaker Mike Johnson in three... two... one.

• At last night's Golden Globes, Oppenheimer took home the lion's share of awards (Barbie nabbed two), Lily Gladstone was given the best actress nod for Killers of the Flower Moon, and my fave three shows of the year—Succession, The Bear, and Beef—were the biggest winners in the TV category.

• And finally... when they say everything, except for what it is.