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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Hope you haven't eaten anything for the past few days, because you are gonna need ALL that empty space in your stomach for the Mercury's PIZZA WEEK which starts today and runs through Sunday! There are more than 50 (!) participating pizza places this year, and each slice is only gonna run you $3! WHAT. YES! And now let's fill up all that empty space in your brain with today's NEWS.


• Get excited, because the Mercury's second annual SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT PORTLAND is now online and on the streets in more than 500 places citywide! We've got a fantastic lineup of stories this year about Portland's awesomeness, including a love note from the hilarious Ian Karmel, an interview with Sleater-Kinney, a get-off-your-ass pep talk from yours truly, and lots more! You'll get pissed at the buttholes who are running down your town while falling in love with Portland all over again. READ IT ALREADY!

• As the city council weighs their current budget priorities, the popular and successful Portland Street Response program remains under attack (primarily from mental health hater Commish Rene Gonzalez and his rich pals) and could lose much of its funding. However, there's still time for you to make your voice heard! Our Courtney Vaughn has the details.

• Nathan Vasquez, the business alliance and People for Portland's choice for Multnomah County DA 🤮, has been called out by local defense attorneys for using his space in the voters' guide to accuse a man, who has currently not been charged of a crime, of being a serial killer. It's all part of Vasquez's performative "tough on crime" campaign, and a Lewis & Clark law professor has even gone as far as to file an ethics complaint against Vasquez, saying the prosecutor (and especially a candidate for DA) should know that a suspect is innocent until proven guilty.

• Pam Parker—the former sister-in-law of Mark Parker, Nike’s executive chairman and former CEO—has been revealed as just one of numerous women who have come forward in the last few years to speak of repeated inappropriate sexual behavior within the shoe giant. Parker says that during a Nike work gathering a few years ago, she was lured into a hotel room by a manager requesting a business meeting, at which point he "locked the door, pinned her against a wall, and forcefully started to kiss her." During her Nike tenure she adds that she "experienced a work environment that was hostile, demeaning and misogynistic towards female employees,” adding that “senior leadership … set the tone for the toxic work environment I was forced to endure.”

• The Blazers' season is sadly over, and after getting demolished by the Sacramento Kings on Sunday afternoon (by a score of 121-82... ouch), our hometown team finished this season with the worst record in the Western Conference. 😬 The good news is that the Blazers have a chance—a small, but hopeful 13.3 percent chance—of receiving the No. 1 pick in the upcoming NBA draft.


Jury selection is scheduled to begin today in the first criminal trial of a former US president... you guessed it... Donald Trump. This particular trial revolves around the New York hush money case in which Trump has been accused of paying off adult actress Stormy Daniels about their affair running up to the 2016 election. Jury selection is expected to last about two weeks, but prosecutors and the defense are already arguing over what evidence can and cannot be introduced, such as the infamous Access Hollywood tape in which Trump bragged about non-consensually "grabbing" women by their genitals.

• A jury of his peers?

• Leaders from around the globe (including Biden) are urging Israel not to strike back after Iran attacked them Saturday with hundreds of drones, along with ballistic and cruise missiles. Israel claims that 99 percent of the missiles were intercepted before reaching their targets. Biden and other world leaders rightly worry that retaliation from Israel—such as the one where they've killed more than 33,000 people in Gaza—could lead to a wider war in the Middle East.

• Your mysterious mystery of the day: Grotesque and undeserving Justice Clarence Thomas did not show up for oral arguments this morning at the Supreme Court, who against tradition, mysteriously did not supply a reason for Thomas' absence. (Wherever he is, maybe he'll just stay there.)

• Public service reminder:

• After racking up absolutely terrible sales in their first quarter—perhaps because people are finally getting the message they shouldn't be supporting Elon Musk in any fashion?—Tesla is laying off 10 percent of their workforce, which is expected to affect about 14,000 of the 140,473 employees. Elon Musk is expected to remain a boorish, hate-filled billionaire.

• And finally... going into this week like, "Fuck off, haters!"