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Good Morning, Portland! I happen to think the city should have a ceremonial bong that sits in a place of prominence in the mayor's office—and that's just what I think. Now let's dispense with what I think and read some NEWS.

• Oregon Representative Earl Blumenauer was in the New York Times yesterday for being pointedly jaded and ready to retire (quelle surprise you say). It turns out that Blum is one of 54 House members who will not be seeking reelection. The reasons vary, but a good amount cite the increasingly melodramatic and joyless slog federal governance has become. One example given is Matt Gaetz and Steve Scalise's decision to hold up the House Committee on Intelligence's Trump impeachment inquiry in 2019. “You show up on a Monday and are told you’ll be voting on four or five bills that week,” Maryland Representative John Sarbanes told The Times. “Then by Wednesday you’re hearing that a tiny group of legislators have held the place hostage. Those bills didn’t make it out of the Rules Committee and are off the calendar. And you’re told to go home.” Colorado Representative Ken Buck spoke wistfully of how an institution he revered had been taken over by "social media stars who are not well equipped to handle the rigors of Congress."

• As city bureaus are in the midst of troubling budget cuts, the city of Portland will spend an estimated $1.1 million on shields, munitions, and training for police, reports Mercury news editor Courtney Vaughn. An "emergency vote" by Portland City Council unanimously approved additional funds yesterday. Read the whole story here.

•The TriMet Barber has been found guilty of pivoting to video. Much like a former president of the US, he awaits sentencing.

•  The federal government has funded the Oregon Department of Transportation's plan for completing final stretches of its Columbia River Highway Project, reports KOIN's John Ross Ferrara. Construction of I-84 sliced up the historic highway in the '70s, and it has taken ODOT two decades of effort to come this close to restoring the beloved 73-mile stretch. When the pieces are finally connected, the Highway could present a breath-taking biking excursion (and maybe some people will walk on it too, IDK YMMV).

• Portland playwright Mikki Gillette's new play Blonde on a Bum Trip is a robust work of pop art history, authentically delusional comedy, and tender realism about three actresses made famous by Andy Warhol. But do yourself a favor and read the wiki before you see it, Andrew Jankowski warns.

• The Friday morning ticket drop approaches—are any of the shows going on sale today of interest? Maybe French electronic duo Justice. MAYBE. Everything else looks meh, but take a look for yourself.

• Will May 30th be the date history remembers as the day a US President was judged and found guilty of felony crimes? Could be; could be former President Donald Trump's July 11 sentencing. (How does 7-11 feel about this?) On Thursday, a jury found Trump guilty of 34 Class E felonies, making him the first US president (former or otherwise) in the nation's history to be convicted of criminal charges.  Even if he is elected US President again, he would not have the power to pardon himself of a state-level conviction, that power is reserved for Governors. He's also still embroiled in three other trials (two federal ones related to classified documents and the 2020 election, and another state case in Georgia, also regarding interference in the 2020 election). Trump was released under his own recognizance. In the hall outside the courtroom, he repeated some of his ongoing complaints, including: “This was a rigged trial by a conflicted judge who was corrupt.”

• Weirdly, this happened on Covfefe Day—although it was after midnight in the time zone the covfefe tweet originated from so May 31 is generally understood to be Covfefe Day.

• The charges Trump was convicted of stem from hush money payouts made to sex work professional Stormy Daniels and have been a-broilin' since before the pandemic. I am reminded of all the excellent writing about Daniels that former web editor Chase Burns did at The Stranger.

• Though Tucker Carlson was fired last year from his position as a Fox News host, he still got out there on Twitter and mashed a reaction, writing: “anyone who defends this verdict is a danger to you and your family.” That rationale seems primed to incite.

• Also in reactions:

In other world news:

Earth is round.

• The US has decided to allow Ukraine to use American-made weapons "to conduct limited strikes inside Russia" to defend Kharkiv, the county's second-largest city.

• Here's an oldie by a relevant-y:

@gaymanity #trump leaving the #whitehouse, hopefully for the very last time. #inauguration2021 ♬ original sound - gaymanity