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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Get ready for another week of gorgeous weather, with sunny-sun skies and highs hovering around 78-80 all the damn way until Saturday. Now let's hover—in a non-creepy way—around some NEWS.


• Looks like whether anyone likes it or not, District Attorney-elect Nathan Vasquez has already started some sneaky backroom deals in which he convinced Multnomah County commissioners to give him $782,000 so he can get a jump on prosecuting lower level drug offenses when he takes office in January. This is despite the fact that we don't have enough defense attorneys to handle the extra caseload (or jail space), the public was not allowed their chance to sound off on how taxpayer money should be used, and... what else? OH, he doesn't even have the goddamn job yet. (Trust me, People for Portland won't be putting up billboards around town about that.) Our Courtney Vaughn has all the details.

• Portland romance writer Crampton Brophy, who's serving a life sentence for murdering her husband in 2018, is appealing the conviction on of what she claims were several errors committed during her trial—most pointedly, the prosecution asking a winky question about her book How to Murder Your Husband, which was not allowed into evidence. The state must decide by August whether or not to entertain the appeal.

• Unfortunately, the Oregonian's editorial board is back on their hypocritical shit again, this time writing a scolding opinion piece about the local teachers' union who had the audacity to SUGGEST study materials for students about the devastating murder of 37,000 Palestinians by the Israeli government. The O's board—who are apparently still pissed about last year's teachers' strike—seems to think that public schools are the wrong place to learn about genocide (so no more classes about World War II, please), and that the union's SUGGESTIONS are not facts, but simply encouragement for teachers to "proselytize." (Funny how the O's board never once took the time to shame the police union for their repeated bullshit 'n' crimes.) So once again for those Oregonian Editorial Board members in the back... NO ONE ASKED YOU. And for future reference, NO ONE WILL CONTINUE TO ASK YOU.

• LOOK OUT! RUNAWAY RODEO BULL! During Saturday's 84th annual Sisters Rodeo in Sisters, Oregon, a rampaging bull jumped over the arena fence and into the crowd, injuring three, as the attendees sang Lee Greenwood's “God Bless the USA." (Here's hoping everyone is okay, as well as a reminder that when it comes to Lee Greenwood, some humans and animals can only take so much.)

• Today in "this is not bad news": "Traffic over the Columbia River remains below 2019 levels and is barely growing."


• Over the weekend, Israel rescued four hostages from the clutches of Hamas, killing 274 Palestinians in the process. The move has thrown negotiations for peace talks into disarray, as the rescue/murders have emboldened Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his plans to continue military operations. Meanwhile, Netanyahu's chief rival, Benny Gantz, has chosen to quit the Israeli cabinet after the prime minister failed to produce a plan of how Gaza would be governed after the war (if that ever even happens).

• Convicted felon Donald Trump is scheduled to be interviewed by his probation officer today, in which the officer will gather information on such topics as his current living situation, mental health (!), and whether or not he associates with other criminals. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! For the poor probation officer, this is going to be a verrrrrry looooooong interview.

• The defense has rested their case in the only slightly interesting trial of Hunter Biden, who faces three charges tied to gun possession while using drugs. Closing arguments could start later today, and if convicted of all charges, the younger Biden could face up to 25 years in jail.

• It was another disastrous pep rally for convicted felon (and presidential wannabe) Donald Trump this weekend in Las Vegas, where temperatures were blistering and the teleprompter wasn't working correctly, sending Trump on a nonsensical rant about modern technology. [Insert meme about old man screaming at clouds here.]

• And finally... I've watched this a thousand times, and I invite you to do the same!