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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! šŸ‘‹

Prepare thyself for a mostly sunny and hot week, with the high topping out today at 90, and after a brief stay at 85 tomorrow, returning and sticking around in the low 90s through Saturday. And now prepare thyself for NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

ā€¢ After admitting to taking off much of the pandemic, Portland Police suddenly decided to show up for their jobs this weekend in a largely successful attempt to disrupt multiple planned street racing takeovers that were expected to attract 1,000 participants. According to the cops, while two people were killed reportedly trying to escape arrest, they made 41 traffic stops and 4 arrests, and towed away 7 vehicles (some of which won't be returned) including one that looked like the Batmobile. (Hmmf... Michael Keaton would've never let himself be arrested.)

ā€¢ In other cop news, an ex-Oregon City police officer has been charged with receiving sexual gratification on the job during an incident that took place in August 2022ā€”and this happened before he was arrested for DUII and reckless driving later that year. He's been charged with three acts of official misconduct and is expected to be arraigned on August 8.

ā€¢ Yesterday the small town of Antelope, Oregon, in Wasco County was issued a "go now" evacuation order due to a grass fire that quickly engulfed 400 acres by 10 pm last night.

ā€¢ Congrats to Oregonian Ryan Crouser who won his third gold medal in a row for the shot put at this year's Paris Olympics. šŸ„‡

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

ā€¢ Remember just a few weeks ago when everyone was breathing a sigh of relief because America had avoided a debilitating recession? Well, once again it's time to PANIC!!!! Because the Dow has dropped 900 points, and markets around the globe are tumbling as well due to last month's jobs report, which indicated that employers weren't hiring quite as quickly as they previously were. (As someone who once worked for a minute at the Chicago Board of Trade, trust me when I say these stock brokersā€”at least at that timeā€”were coked out of their brains and constantly in a state of panic, as the markets rose and fell for reasons as small as the president tipping over a glass of milk. Glad these freaks are the ones in charge of our global financial security!)

ā€¢ The greatest gymnast in the history of the sport, Simone Biles, finished her amazing Olympics run yesterday with a silver medalā€”which would've probably been gold had she not stepped out of bounds during the floor exercise finals. The also fantastic Rebeca Andrade of Brazil took home the gold, and the USA's Jordan Chiles captured the bronze, but only after her coaching team submitted an appeal to the judges who apparently neglected to include their score for one of her banger moves.

ā€¢ OH, AND CHECK THIS OUT: In one of of the tightest races I've ever seen, American Noah Lyles beat Jamaicaā€™s Kishane Thompson by the narrowest of margins to win gold in the menā€™s 100-meter final. ROLL THE TAPE (and don't blink).

ā€¢ Kamala Harris will most likely announce her Veep running mate by tomorrow, when she and her new partner will take off on a seven-state campaigning spree. ROOOOOOOAD TRIIIIIIP!

ā€¢ Hurricane Debby has made landfall in Florida as a "category 1" storm, bringing 80 mph winds and the potential of "catastrophic" flooding to the area, before moving northward to Georgia and then South Carolina. (Also "Roooooad triiiiip"ā€”but not the fun kind.)

ā€¢ Today in headlines that make you go "hmmmm..." or more accurately "WHAT THA FAAAACK??": "Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says he left a dead bear in Central Park as a prank."

ā€¢ And finally... reminder: